MonsterHunter

A woman goes down to the Amazon with her brother and her best friend so that she can find proof that cannibalism never has occurred and is in fact just a cruel myth. How do you prove a negative? Let’s say she goes down there and doesn’t see any cannibalism. What does that prove? Only that on that particular day at that particular time she didn’t see any. I was never real sure about whether she had thought through this whole thing as far as her research methods go, but since this is an Italian gutmuncher I was prepared to suspend my disbelief on that count at least.

They get there and drive around and their jeep gets wrecked so they have to hitchhike through cannibal country. The movie also periodically shifts back to New York City where a drug deal has gone bad and everyone is looking for Mike Logan. Mike is some goof who runs drugs with a buddy of his and they’re hanging out in the Amazon looking to steal emeralds from the natives (uh-oh).

The three hikers see a native impaled on some spikes and then run into Mike and his buddy who has been wounded by the natives. Mike spins some bogus tale about how they were attacked by the natives for no good reason. Then they all go back to the village which makes no sense.

If Mike’s story was true and you had been brutally assaulted by these cannibal Amazon warriors would you go back to their village and hang out for a little while to see if Mike’s pal can get better with a little bed rest? The only thing Mike would see from me after telling his story is my ass-end heading in the opposite direction of that village!

But our three young people think that taking a little R&R in this village would be just grand. The old people in the village just give them dirty looks and they all wonder why. Even more mysterious is that all the young villagers are nowhere to be found. Then Mike’s pal begins to die and spills his guts (figuratively, he literally does it in a little bit) about what really went down.

It turns out that Mike is a psycho who gets all jacked up on coke and does some crazy stuff. He wants emeralds from the natives, but they don’t have any so Mike ties one up to a stake to see if can’t jog this dude’s memory. Then Mike gets a little out of control. He cuts this guy, digs his eye out with his knife and then castrates him. Then he leaves him there to die. The natives are unamused.

After spinning that yarn, Mike’s buddy croaks. The natives open him up and eat his guts. Finally, the hikers decide that maybe this isn’t the best place to hang around. They’re just a little too late because here come the warriors back from the jungle and they seem a bit put out about Mike’s enthusiastic questioning of their fellow native.

So Mike and the three of them are taken prisoner. Mike is tied to a stake and he gets castrated. A pee pee for a pee pee. That’s the law of the jungle! Then the cauterize it so he doesn’t die which I thought was considerate.

Then they get taken down the river for some reason and the anthropologist’s brother decides to make a break for it. He gets a spike in the leg and then runs into the water nearby. Piranha! Piranha! Piranha! He gets munched on for awhile then stumbles out of the water and begs the warriors for help. They respond by shooting him with a poison dart which probably wasn’t the sort of help he was hoping for.

We now go back to the village. The women are put in a hut with only a hole in the ceiling being the way out. A bloody heart is lowered to them to eat, but they spaz out and refuse to eat it. Most horrifying of all, they begin to sing!

One of the natives tries to help them escape, but Mike gets out of his tiger cage and wont let him for some reason. Then he runs away, but gets caught again. He’s moving around pretty well for a guy who just got his schlong whacked off.

The movie is headed for the home stretch so they pick up the pace on the gore. Mike is held down and they take a machete and chop his hand off. Then the warriors take him and put him under this table with a hole in the top. They force him to kneel under the table so that the top third of his head is sticking out through hole in the table, then the sec