Anytime I watch a movie and the opening credits roll by saying that it is based on a play, I cringe. If you’ve ever been to a play the one thing that is the hallmark of the form is that the characters talk and talk and talk some more. I suppose that some stories lend themselves to this type of format (the wordy, boring format), like courtroom dramas or character pieces or some other thing I’d never want to see in a million years, but the alien invasion movie isn’t one of them.
A strange meteor-type object was spotted crashing around the Scottish countryside one night, so the “home office” has dispatched a professor and a reporter to go find out what it is. Along the way, they manage to listen to a radio report of an escaped killer who is at large in the area.
When you roll your eyes into your head 10 minutes into the film, you just know things are only going downhill from there. I mean, you would think that the whole Martian invasion angle would be enough gimmick for this movie, but they insist on trotting out the escaped killer bit and it only makes you wonder what other hoary, old cliches have signed up for a part in this movie.
Well, as luck would have it, you soon find out as our two heroes make their way to this out of the way inn where they decide to rest for the night. This location is where the rest of the movie takes place. I bet you never thought the fate of the world and the first alien contact would take place at some dumpy Scottish Motel 6.
I suppose that part of the movie’s reason we are in the inn all the time (aside from the obviously budget-friendly reasons) is that this allows us to get to know a variety of characters (a forgettable lot who add nothing to the film).
With all these people milling around, you can imagine how much blathering there is when they ought to be out whipping Martians. Oh don’t get me wrong, they sure do talk a lot about whipping Martians, but they’re a little short on action in that area.
The flying saucer lands and out steps this tall broad in some type of black leather get up complete with leather helmet and cape. She is accompanied by a giant robot that does nothing except shoot a ray out of its head that vaporizes stuff. It also resembles a large mailbox with arms and legs.
Now, originality isn’t really the strong suit of this movie and if you want to know the truth the only strong suit of this movie is that it wasn’t any longer than 77 minutes.
As soon as this Martian bimbo starts running her flap you can tell you’re in for the standard invasion lecture. Superior race, inferior humans, Mars needs male sperm donors, ship broken down, invisible wall around area so no one can escape or contact anybody, invade London once ship repaired, etc. It’s all so very trite.
Let’s break it down though. First of all, Mars needs men. It seems that the Martian men aren’t pulling their weight in the bedroom. Uh, have you looked in the mirror, Devil Girl? You look kind of butch. If you could tear yourself away from watching Xena, take off the leather helmet and put on some lipstick or something, maybe the Martian men wouldn’t be so inattentive.
Here’s another problem with the movie and its alien invasion. The old “my ship broke down on the way to the invasion” gag. How many times have we seen that? I would guess that at least 65% of all alien encounters on this planet are the result of one of these dimwit’s ships breaking down on them. Is that supposed to instill fear into me? “We will destroy your planet once our ship is towed to the garage, put up on the rack and the alternator is replaced!”
Devil Girl makes all these announcements and then there’s not really much else to say. Then there are several repetitive scenes where people go out to the ship for no reason and the Devil Girl walks back to the inn to scowl at the Earthlings for no reason.
Most of the time she comes back to the inn to threaten the people there about how she’s going to kill them all when she gets around to it, chide them for their foolish efforts to destroy her or taunt them about how she’s going to take one of them to London with her so that they can show her around.
If your invasion plan requires you to stop in the Scottish boonies, pick up a local and get directions from him, then I’d say that the invasion is still in its “blueprint stage.”
This is as slow and low-rent a movie as you’ll ever have the displeasure of watching. We know from movies like Night of the Living Dead and The Birds that a group of isolated people fighting off supernatural terrors can be done in a suspenseful and entertaining fashion. And now we know that it can also be done in dull and mind-numbing fashion.
© 2009 MonsterHunter
