“Let me tell you something. You read my fucking lips. I will never sign anything or admit to anything…that would slander my name, my God, or my country. You understand me? I loathe you. I despise everything you stand for. You’re a low life pathetic, drug-dealing, greedy, Petrovian piece of dog shit. That’s what I think of you. So if you have anything to say to me, say it right to my nuts.” Read More

The single greatest movie character ever invented? The cop on the edge! He’s the guy who plays by his own rules, is often times on suspension, and frequently gets cussed out by his superior for “violating” some obscure “right” that’s been conferred on the criminal scum of this nation by a liberal activist judge. We know their names like our family’s names. Dirty Harry, John McClane, Mel Gibson, those two black guys in the Bad Boys movies, and Farley Wood. Read More

The third No Retreat, No Surrender film benefits greatly from the fact that no one has ever heard of any of these movies to begin with! When you’ve got a Shrek the Third, a Rush Hour 3 or the third time a guy named George Bush was in the White House, so much of the reaction is along the lines of “what’s the point” and “not again” and the much more succinct “sucks.” But that’s only because people have something to compare it to and come into the project with a set of expectations that can’t possibly be met. (Really – could you ever recapture that Chris Tucker/Jackie Chan magic again?) Read More

Mr. Superinvisible is a landmark in the world of cinema chiefly because it proves that co-starring with Sandy Duncan and a duck in $1000000 Duck was not the nadir of Dean Jones’ career! To his credit, Dean at least did the honorable thing and did what so many of our other Silver Screen heroes of days gone by did when in need of easy money – he went to Italy! And easier money was never to be had! Since this a flick where Dean plays a guy who turns invisible, he doesn’t even have to appear in most of it! Just a few days on set to humiliate yourself by wearing a dress or hiding your nasty bits with palm fronds and a couple of hours in the audio booth dubbing dialogue so bad even the regular crew of Italian dubmasters couldn’t be persuaded to do it and BANG! Another six hundred bucks to pay off that 1970 Fiat 124 Sport Spider! Read More

Maybe it’s because I saw Beneath the Planet of the Apes at such an impressionable age, but I’ve always thought James Franciscus was pretty cool. I couldn’t help but smile warmly when I saw him in The Concorde Affair listening to his girlfriend complain about how she was “late” and they needed to talk. His response? “Quit busting my balls!” Then he went and called his ex-wife down in the Antilles to get a bead on the biggest story of his career. That’s the epitome of the easy-going 70s confidence Jimmy exudes while wearing the yellow shirts and powder blue sport coats that thankfully make up his wardrobe for most the film. Except for when he’s wearing pink shirts or little blue swimming trunks and a gold chain. Read More

Ranking somewhere below the women-in-prison and above the nunsploitation genres, the “Nazi chicks” movies more than any other type of film make you wonder about the intended audience. I’m not one to judge anyone for what types of movies they like or don’t like, but it’s safe to say that those of you out there pining away for those heady days of the mid to late seventies when lots of aspiring actresses were willing to peroxide their hair, strap on the jackboots, and carry a riding crop like they were expecting to mount Sea Biscuit instead of some toad in an SS uniform are undoubtedly a bunch of degenerates. Whose bright idea was it to attempt to eroticize anything about a genocidal dictator and his mindless followers? And doesn’t it seem the least bit gauche that the Italians and the French would be the ones primarily responsible for these things? Read More

Elmer Gantry is based on a book by Sinclair Lewis. You may have a hard time believing this but Sinclair Lewis is actually a different person than Upton Sinclair, though Sinclair Lewis once worked on Upton Sinclair’s commie commune. Both of these folks are also separate from that C.S. Lewis guy who wrote those Narnia books about the talking lion. Anyway Sinclair Lewis won the Nobel Prize for literature, was ripped off of a Pulitzer by the Columbia University trustees, won it for real later, declined it, wrote Babbitt, and eventually hired secretaries to play chess with him until he croaked from the effects of alcoholism. Somewhere in all this, he found time to pen what has to be regarded as the definitive novel about the nature of religion as Big Con. Read More

Anthony Wong stars in this movie that is what Dustin Hoffman’s movie Outbreak should have been: a story about a raping and murdering dude that infects a bunch of people with Ebola by tricking them into eating hamburgers made out of human meat. It really isn’t as funny as it probably sounds which is a bit surprising what with all the rapes, murders, cannibalism, and the on-camera slaughter of frogs and chickens. Read More

Still hacking our way through Italian cannibal territory, Eaten Alive is another Umberto Lenzi movie about unknown Italian actors and wayward porn stars stumbling around the jungle getting raped, chopped up and eaten. Along the way several innocent animals also get the axe. At this point in our career, having sat through any number of these movies that highlight needless animal atrocities (see also Cannibal Ferox and Cannibal Holocaust), we can barely muster up the outrage (it’s just not that interesting to write about the third go around) and we’ll merely catalog the criminal acts committed against various creatures so that the responsible viewer can beware and the messed up viewer will know if it’s worth getting. Read More

Three of the cinema’s best genres are finally mixed together to produce a love child of death, dismemberment, and amputee fellatio! Taking the very finest elements of the Vietnam POW movie, the stolen Nazi gold movie, and the micro-budget mid 1980s Italian action movie, Dog Tags manages to even work in a strip club scene for no reason except that director Romano Scavolini (Nightmare In A Damaged Brain) is just that damn good! Could anything less be expected from the brother of the writer of American Rickshaw? Read More