MonsterHunter

Anthony Wong stars in this movie that is what Dustin Hoffman’s movie Outbreak should have been: a story about a raping and murdering dude that infects a bunch of people with Ebola by tricking them into eating hamburgers made out of human meat. It really isn’t as funny as it probably sounds which is a bit surprising what with all the rapes, murders, cannibalism, and the on-camera slaughter of frogs and chickens.

Ebola Syndrome is not really what I’d call well made. The very workmanlike visuals and camera work will remind you more of one of those Italian jungle-cannibal movies and there’s maybe one slow motion scene, as if they knew that every Hong Kong film needed a little bit of that, but it isn’t particularly well done or effective. That said, the movie is full of gore, sex, and Anthony Wong is pretty much way out of control from start to finish as the psycho Kai, so it lives up to its reputation as the movie to show your mainstream friends (if you have any) at parties to gross them out.

Kai is your average run of the mill creep that has a hankering for other people’s wives when they’re out working. Kai kicks his adventure off by humping some chick in Hong Kong while her hubby is away. Naturally hubby comes home and is less than amused that Kai is dipping his chopstick into his wife. This results in a good old fashioned beat down, complete with pissing scene! Whoa! I knew we were in for something a little bit more than our usual run of the mill ride down Gore Street when the husband ordered his wife to pee on Kai.

After beating the guy up and depositing bodily fluids on him, the husband gets some scissors that look like some type of wire cutters and tells Kai that he is going to castrate him. Kai begs him not to and offers to do it himself if the husband will just let him have the scissors. Unbelievably the husband thinks that’s a good idea and gives Kai the shears. Kai goes down to his crotch like he’s going to do it, but then his hand accidentally slips and the husband ends up with a pair of scissors in his eye! Pure coincidence, I’m sure.

Kai goes on the offensive, killing the husband, the husband’s buddy, and the woman. The woman had turned on Kai as soon as her husband came home, so I don’t think any of us can argue with Kai’s decision to break off their romance in this fashion. Meanwhile, the woman’s young daughter is around and so Kai dumps gasoline on her and before he can fire her up, someone interrupts him and he takes off never to be seen again in Hong Kong until years later.

Fast forward several years to South Africa. South Africa? Yup, I don’t know what Kai is doing down in South Africa, but you can be sure it involves screwing women and complaining about being bullied. That’s one of Kai’s lovable quirks. Even though he’s an accomplished killer, he still whines about being picked on by everyone. Specifically his target is the wife of his friend. She and Kai’s friend run the Chinese restaurant where he has found employment as a waiter. She’s always yelling at him about something or other and he fumes about it, complaining to whoever will listen. Kai’s grasp of health department regulations is tenuous at best as he reacts to his crappy job by spitting in the food.

But that’s not really the worst of it. Even though his buddy’s wife rags on him mercilessly, he still enjoys listening in on his buddy and the wife having sex. Yes, Kai lives with these people that pretty much hate him. Kai gets a brainstorm while listening to them go at it and runs downstairs to the restaurant and into the kitchen. He grabs some raw meat and cuts an opening in it and proceeds to use it in such a manner that makes you realize what a wussy movie American Pie was. When Kai is finished with his business he puts the meat back in the fridge. Insert “secret sauce” joke here.

As if being a crabby waiter prone to doing the most unsanitary things to the customers’ food imaginable wasn’t enough for Kai, his pal takes him out into the African countryside to get some fresh meat for the restaurant.They get to some area where there is a Zulu tribe and we are treated to some pretty graphic ceremonies where a live chicken has its head and spinal cord pulled out by a witch doctor. There’s also a bunch of dead Zulus laying around and there are two Zulu bodies conveniently located next to the dead pigs that our restaurateurs are going to buy. The Zulu guy selling them the pigs tells them that the Zulus died from Ebola. Kai manages to pick up some Ebola for himself after raping a non responsive native girl on the same trip.

Lots more stuff happens in this movie and things pick up speed now that Kai has himself a little Ebola. The beauty of it all is that he doesn’t realize he has it until the very end of the movie and he just happens to be the one in ten million people that it infects, causing a bad fever, but doesn’t ultimately kill. This allows Kai to run around raping and killing. Once everyone starts croaking and flopping around all over Johannesburg, Kai decides it’s time to cash out of the restaurant biz and go back to Hong Kong. Along the way, the girl that he tried to burn to death sees him in South Africa and tries to tell the authorities, but they tell her what I would have told her: you seeing him here after all those years is just too much of a coincidence to be believable.

Back in Hong Kong he runs into her again and they have a problem. She bites him and then realizes that that will probably earn her the “boob of the week” award at work since he’s infected with Ebola. Everything comes to a head when he takes a girl hostage and dares the cops to shoot him since his blood will infect everyone it splatters on. Then he runs through the streets spitting on people yelling his new catch phrase, “I have Ebola and now so do you!” Eventually Kai is defeated, but the movie ends with a girl sharing some ebola infected food with a dog or something.

Ebola Syndrome is a movie that has so little of value to recommend that you can’t help but admire it. There is no hero per se. The girl who survived her encounter with Kai is rarely seen and the movie focuses almost exclusively on Kai and his free-wheeling lifestyle. Anthony Wong is able to look like a total scuzz, a bit portly, sometimes with a little greasy pony tail Steven Seagal would be proud of, and even in disguise with this awful-looking mustache. You watch this train wreck in spite of yourself because you wonder what Kai has up his sleeve next. How much damage can he do? How many terrible things is he capable of? Gory, nasty entertainment that is so far over the top, you’ll be laughing to keep from gagging. A very good “party movie” that will keep your friends grimacing throughout.

© 2008 MonsterHunter