Like Don “The Dragon” Wilson, Gary Daniels (Pocket Ninjas, Firepower) is a former kickboxing champion who has parlayed his titles into a film career starring in action movies no normal person has ever heard of. Like Olivier Gruner (another ex-kickboxing champ featured in a series of movies invisible to the mainstream), Gary possesses that bland, inoffensive charm that convinces you he’s a decent sort of guy who kicks ass only because he’s forced to. I mean, Gary only destroys an entire softball team after they say that he and buddy Sugar Ray Leonard are gay for each other! So parents can feel good about the positive message this film teaches about tolerance: don’t call tough guys queers! Because they won’t tolerate it! Read More

A remake of Cat-Women of the Moon that premiered a scant three years after Cat was first released (give us some time to heal for God’s sake!), Fire Maidens From Outer Space is a British version set on the thirteenth moon of Jupiter instead of Earth’s moon. It’s also about a half hour longer, worse, and more annoying to sit through than its “inspiration” ever thought about being. Read More

It always seems like just when you’re about to get a commendation for running the toughest women’s prison in Japan, some crazy broad decides to go over the wall and leave you looking like an overrated chump. Of course, that wouldn’t be the worst day on the job for you. That honor would probably have to go to that time when you got embroiled in a dust up between this same crazy broad and some pig that was looking to put her in her place, but only managed to put a shard of glass in your eye. Clearly, running the toughest women’s prison in Japan isn’t the sweet gig it used to be. Read More

A war between man and machine that has raged for more than a century! A war that’s been fought all over the world from the jungles of Java to the wastelands of East Africa! A war that has seen the very fabric of time torn in freaking half like some sort of hapless phonebook owned by gargantuanly muscled she-freak star Sue Price! Finally, in this fourth and concluding chapter, this war comes to an annihilating conclusion that will answer all your questions, satisfy all your desires, give closure to that eternal conflict between technology and its creators, and generally totally atomize your unworthy ass with its 70 minutes of nonstop talking, standing around, and bodybuilder boobs! Read More

Albert Pyun again bucks the conventional wisdom that he is the suckiest director alive by taking on the third movie in a franchise you’ve never heard of and care nothing about and pretty much reinventing just how movies are made! Even our greatest directors usually feel compelled to adhere to a strictly “beginning, middle, and end” format to their movies when we all know real life is just a bunch of rehashed flashbacks! Admit it! You don’t spend your days moving some contrived story forward with plans and plot developments – you’re obsessing over something that happened a couple hours or days ago! Probably something your nagging spouse said when you were trying to watch the game or some bit of backstabbing that went on at work! Read More

Nemesis 2: Nebula is twice as Nemesiser as Nemesis, taking everything that was awesome about the first movie (nothing) and just jacking it up with upgrades that could only come from director/writer Albert Pyun! Gone are the chase scenes through the steaming jungles of Java! Now, all your chasing will happen in the much more spartan east African desert! Well, it’s really the spartan Arizona desert, but both of them start with the letter “A” so it’s all pretty much the same, right? Read More

Throughout our world’s future history, cyborgs have tried again and again to rise up against their fleshy masters and take control of our planet! They’ve repeatedly hatched all manner of schemes in an attempt to replace us for no real reason other than because they are pure mechanical evil! Inevitably though, their plans always seem to break down into a mess of exposed wires, fluid, and ripped off arms. In fact, they never seem to take over much of anything except the market on leather pants and sunglasses. But now, Nemesis has arrived! Read More

At the very bottom of the world the chase is on for the greatest treasure ever stolen by the governor of Peking, but whose location may only be known by his possibly gay chauffeur! Or maybe the mysterious old shaman who is practiced in the ancient ways! And when the Annie Oakley of Argentina is among those vying for the priceless booty still lost in the icy-depths of the glacier-filled lake, you better have your best zigging and zagging mojo working for you when you’re scrambling about on a nearby mountain! But that isn’t anything compared to the zigging and zagging you’ve got to do in the bedroom since when you’re not in Buenos Aires poking the local real estate agent to get the goods on the old villa that might house clues to the treasure, you’re extending your landing gear into some hussy pilot so that you can use her plane to try and spot the treasure in the lake from the air! Read More

Ursus, The Terror of the Kirghiz (released as Hercules, Prisoner Of Evil in the U.S.) documents an important geopolitical struggle between two tribes of grubby barbarians you never heard of. Over in the valleys of Crapsylvania are the peaceful Cherkes. We know they are a good and decent people because their leader, Ursus, has great muscle definition and pumped up he-man hair. Their tribe also has a hot blonde chick hanging around their camp. Then there are the evil Kirghiz who inhabit the mountain region of Turdistan. We know they are evil because their leader, Zereteli, is an ugly guy who favors wearing fur-trimmed gladiator garb. Another tip off that the Kirghiz are bad news is that there is a surly dark haired gal prowling and scheming in their palace. But mostly we know they suck because their tribe’s name sounds like a combination of a guy sneezing and a cat hacking up a hair ball. Read More