Obligatory full disclosure: there isn’t anyone in this movie named Goliath. In fact, you’ve got Gordon Scott (Hercules Vs. The Moloch, Samson And The 7 Miracles Of The World) cinching up the leather girdle as some dude named Maciste. Not to worry though because Maciste is pretty much the same in the muscle-movie biz as Hercules, having nearly as many crazy adventures under nearly as many aliases as the daring demi-god himself!
Those of you who are uncomfortable wading through my in-depth critical analysis of this butchest of all pseudo gay porn film genres because you’re a strong Christian and reading about hulking men grappling while wearing little skirts dredges up long-repressed feelings that date back to that weekend you spent with your high school baseball coach probably want a short answer on this one quickly.
You just want to know whether this is the type of sword and sandal epic that is worth viewing. Well, it’s pretty close in tone and subject matter to the Mario Bava-lensed Hercules In The Haunted World, though definitely a notch below that strapping classic.
There is an emphasis on the supernatural in this one over the dull political machinations that seem to afflict a surprising number of these films. There isn’t as much going on though compared to Bava’s film which careened from one crazy scene to another and served up Christopher Lee in the process.
Goliath And The Vampires also suffers because we know next to nothing about Maciste, he has very few lines, and exhibits absolutely zero personality. I don’t mean that he’s stupid, irritating, or dull. He just doesn’t register at all, either good or bad.
In his favor, he does bust up a whole lot of stuff and fights the villain’s minions any chance he gets. You’ll find that in a movie like this, the way a Maciste, Hercules, or Samson carries himself in battle is the measuring stick for whether he’s a good character. All that “humanity” type stuff like feelings, beliefs, and speaking believably are completely secondary to that most important quality – is he able to heft around a fake rock so that it doesn’t look like a giant sponge?
One day Maciste notices his village on fire and hurries home to find that in addition to a raging inferno engulfing his hometown, it’s in the midst of a pirate invasion!
These pirates are killing folk, pawing at them, and stealing them, generally conforming to all the things pirates dumb enough to raid the village of the strongest guy in the world usually do. They even go the extra mile by killing Maciste’s mother and kidnapping his girlfriend. (A similarly dunderheaded stunt resulted in a hellacious butt kicking in Hercules Vs. The Hydra. )
Maciste tracks the pirates to their enclave and finds that it is populated by a people enslaved by an unseen guy named Korbrak. This has the byproduct of making for a very eventful town marketplace. You’ve got your prisoners to auction off and Astra, the wife of the Sultan (who is under Korbrak’s thumb), purchases Maciste’s girlfriend.
You’ve also got what passes for entertainment/capital punishment in the middle of it all. There’s a big pole sitting on a platform and a guy has to climb up the pole. Guys climbing on poles doesn’t sound like it would be too far out of place in thinly disguised gay porn, but this platform also has all these spikes built into it, so when you fall off the poll, you get impaled.
At some point in all this Maciste busts loose and proceeds to put on a display that would impress even the most veteran of urban rioters. He’s jumping off buildings. He’s standing around whirling his arms into people. He’s tearing up rickety marketplace structures (you know the type – awnings held up by spindly poles, and dusty clay pots that seem to break whenever Maciste merely wills it). He was even overturning carts! Did he think his team had just won the Super Bowl or something?
We learn that Korbrak is taking Maciste’s people and making them faceless soldiers in an effort to dominate the world. I don’t know if I would exactly be stomping the panic button since he seems to be barely able to control a port city, but I think we know that it’s usually best to nip these “army of the undead” schemes in the bud.
Maciste eventually figures out he needs to invade Korbrak’s lair to beat him up, get some magic potion, and cure all the dudes that Korbrak has turned into his slaves. Lots more ripped action ensues, including Maciste being tortured inside a large bell, Maciste battling his evil twin that turns out to be Korbrak, and Korbrak’s unmasking!
This is one of those movies where it’s clear that the story doesn’t make a lot of sense, but since they don’t dawdle on any of the confusing details, you don’t mind all that much. The film has its fair share of muscle moments where Maciste tears down stone columns and the like and you also get a girl menaced by a rubber spider which is always welcome.
Yes, Maciste himself is a fairly bland individual, but Goliath And The Vampires is pretty much what you hope for when you see these sword and sandal flicks, the fantasy elements (including an underground race of blue men) and frequent violence making you feel like you’re getting a decent bang for your buck.
© 2009 MonsterHunter
