Things begin a bit ominously with the appearance of a narrator whose chief distinguishing characteristic is his horrendously bad old-guy make up. Not to be outdone by his make-up, the “actor” wearing it, affects a putrid old-guy accent and begins telling us the story of the gardener at a girls’ school.
It seems that back in ancient times (you can tell because of the clothes they wear and the fact that none of the broads wear any underpants) there was an old gardener at a school for young and perpetually topless women. Since he’s old and they’re always taking off their tops, they always play pranks on him.
What kind of pranks? Umm, they didn’t actually let us in on any of that, but the gardener sure whined about the pranks, so I’m sure they were fairly prankish. But really, just what sort of pranks can topless women play on a guy that would piss him off? Prancing around with their tops on?
The gardener desires to get revenge on these bullies and he comes up with a cunning plan. He’s going to get one of the younger townsmen to take over his job as gardener. The townsman in question (Mario) agrees because this fits in with his own plan to become a gardener at the school and get laid a whole lot.
Mario and the old gardener go out to the school for a job interview. Mario has come up with a really good gimmick to sell himself to his prospective employer. He pretends to be mute and mildly retarded.
Once Mario has the job, the girls start playing pranks on him. Like the one where they toss their blouse at him and then he humps them. Or the prank where a girl is taking a bath and she waves Mario into the bathtub with her.
The thing about these baths is that the they have faucets in the tub. Remember back in the 1600s when everyone complained about leaky faucets? I also thought the chandeliers with electric light bulbs was a nice touch. One man’s creative indifference is another man’s creative license, I guess.
There’s a little drama involved when the Head Mistress catches Mario and some hoochie in a bubble bath together. The Head Mistress whips her and then screws her, then bores her with the story of how she became a lesbian
Way back when she was still working at her daddy’s tavern as a serving wench, she had a couple of male friends that stayed there as boarders. She also had an actual boyfriend. Her boarder friends didn’t like her boyfriend because he was a bit fruity. They formulate a plan to get their revenge. (I guess for him being such a sissy and all.)
Their diabolical scheme involves waiting until he is humping the Head Mistress so that they then can chop his head off with an axe. The Head Mistress is understandably upset by all this, but inexplicably continues to stay at the same place as her two “friends.”
She decides that she wants to be close to her dead boyfriend, so she digs up the skull and plants it in a pot that sits next to her bed. Later a plant grows out from it and the branches move around and snake over her breast. The boarders come into her room and kidnap the plant.
Outside these guys suddenly start rolling around and I realize that we’re supposed to think that the plant is strangling them. See there’s a few twigs laying on them or something. Understandably, the Head Mistress then swore that she would never again know the love of a man!
Back in the present at the school, one of the girls has also gone and gotten herself pregnant. The Head Mistress tells the boyfriend of the girl that Mario did it so he shows up and gets himself beat down by Mario.
Mario and the Head Mistress get into a little fight about this and eventually end up as lovers. That’s unfortunate because it’s simply another way too lengthy scene of clumsy groping and having to look at the Head Mistress’ lumpy behind.
The school year finally ends with Mario impregnating all the girls. The Head Mistress is proud of this and the girls are excited as well, but I can’t help but think that the parents that pay the tuition for their girls to go to a “school for virgins” might be a tad disappointed.
The movie concludes with the narrator being revealed to be an unconvincingly old Mario and he shows us he still can run with the big dogs by patting the now elderly Head Mistress on the ass.
Another terrible sexploitation movie by David F. Friedman. The acting peaks with Mario’s fake wig and glued on eyebrows and the story is at times inhumanly stupid (a severed head turns into a killer plant?), but mostly just lame. The film is notable for its constantly changing soundtrack and is highlighted by one tune that sounds like the theme from a seventies cop show. Studsky and Butch, maybe?
© 2009 MonsterHunter
