As soon as I saw there was an orphaned white ninja and a surly Japanese ninja lusting after the same ninja broad, I knew everyone else in the dojo would get sliced into tater tots! Read More

Crackerjack is a typically stupid Die Hard clone saved only by the fact that it is a typically stupid Die Hard clone. Slavish in its devotion to all the obvious elements of Die Hard while completely uninterested in emulating anything that actually made Die Hard a classic, Crackerjack still manages to blow up two helicopters, a cable car, and an entire resort! And it managed to do all that damage with the Breck Girl of the wannabe action stars of the 1990s, Thomas Ian Griffith! Read More

That not many folks remember John Lincoln Clem (codename Johnny Shiloh) and his patriotism anymore is a testament to how much this country has become pansified by all the anti-war do-gooders that seem to sprout up whenever Democracy needs to lay a whupping on someone. Read More

Cary Grant is coasting on the type of auto-pilot that only a guy who’s been in more classics than any other actor could, while Ingrid Bergman vainly attempts to get us to care about her co-dependent theater actress character whose startlingly lack of self-respect is equaled only by her stunningly bad taste in clothes. Read More

It all starts like something out of the hit TV show, TV’s Bloopers and Atomic Practical Jokes: Scott has taken his brother’s boat out for a cruise with his wife. What he doesn’t know though is that while she’s below deck to get more brew, we’ve gone ahead and detonated an atomic weapon just off the starboard side of Scott’s boat. Any minute now, Scott and his boat will float right through the mysterious haze and we bet he’ll be dumb enough to stand around gawking. Let’s see what happens! Read More

So was this movie supposed to give me a drinking problem or something? As I watched Susan Hayward pretending to have a seizure that practically screamed “I liked to thank the Academy and also Lillian Roth for having such a crappy life” I was thinking about how much more entertaining this would all be if I was as wasted as the main character was throughout the film. Read More

I Was A Teenage Werewolf never explains why poor old Tony is dispatched with wimpy police issue bullets. And if you think that I just laid a real smelly dog turd of a spoiler on your front lawn there, try to remember that a teenage werewolf whose transformations are triggered by the school bell probably isn’t a prime candidate to reach old age, even in dog years! I mean that sucker is going to be growing fangs and eating teachers and students about what – 14 or 15 times a day? Someone is bound to eventually notice that! Read More

Could someone get Teenage Frankenstein some antiperspirant? It isn’t bad enough that he’s made out of smelly, rotted body parts, but the dude’s got Frisbees as well! Surely if Dr. Frankenstein was smart enough to play God and get his teenage protege up and around, he could at least provide him with the most rudimentary of personal hygiene equipment. After all, you wouldn’t let your Teenage Frankenstein wipe his reanimated ass with his recently stitched on hand would you? Then how could you let him stink the joint up when he’s out strangling hussies? All the police have to do is follow the B.O. back to your secret lab! Read More

To: Kathryn Forbes
From: MonsterHunter Publishing
Re: Your Submission

We are in receipt of your stories about your mama that you’ve gone and turned into a movie. Since we aren’t in the practice of actually reading, we were forced to watch the movie version of your book, Mama’s Bank Account. Frankly, we are not convinced of the complete veracity of your tales. Is the audience really expected to believe that a simple woman from Norway could overcome such soul-shattering odds as a sick kitten or a child with an earache? We can only assume that you felt your mother’s war against indigestion and the time she had a bad haircut was simply too much for the audience to handle. Read More

How does an alien invasion begin, you ask? At a bachelor party, of course! Our hero (though once he gets taken over by some aliens with a funny looking face, he becomes our villain) is named Bill Farrell and he’s getting married to Marge in the morning, so he and his crew are tearing up the town one last time before he takes his solemn vows and enters a life of involuntary celibacy. (You married guys know what I’m talking about.) Read More