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Three-way monster melee! That's what they assert, before calling this movie a
"high-tech, high-powered thriller." Godzilla is back and ready to take on
Tokyo. This time though, he's radioactive. He also must face his "deadliest
opponent," Destoroyah. Godzilla, Jr. also helps out in the monster fight. The
write-up concludes by saying that only the Super X III (was that Cowboys vs.
Steelers?) can "put the deep freeze on this three-way monster melee!" 1995, 102 minutes, Widescreen, DVD
Way, way back in 1995 you may recall hearing a whole bunch hooey about how
Godzilla was finally going to die once and for all. He was facing a monster
called Destroyer and Destroyer was going to kill him off. This is that movie
and for some reason the monster is called Destroyer, but they insist on calling
it the hard to remember how to spell, "Destoroyah." I think we'll just refer to
it as Destroyer from here on out. This was supposedly the last Godzilla movie,
and it was until the most recent one came out, Godzilla Millenium or something. I'm not going to "hide the ball" on this one, true believers.
This was flat out, the junkiest, most worthless Godzilla movie I've ever, ever seen. Like most of the worst Godzilla movies I've ever, ever seen, this one
starts out like it might have a little something in the tank. You get Godzilla
havoc right out of the gate. So I'm thinking alright! There's not any monkeying
around going on here, Big G's coming out and stomping everyone from start to
finish. And as a bonus, he's radioactive! This means that a good portion of
Godzilla is glowing bright red. There was some explanation for this, like he
was blasted by nukes or something. So now Godzilla's heart is a nuclear reactor
and he gets his energy from fission inside of him. There was this little, dive
of a Chinese restaurant in Iowa City, Iowa that I frequented and the Special #3
never failed to give me a bit of the ole fission, if you smell what I'm cooking
(and if you were there, you did!), so I can understand where Big G is coming
from on that account. Now you're thinking that Godzilla is nuclear powered,
what's the big whup? Because, his temperature is rising and once he hits 1200
degrees a week from now, he's either going to explode and destroy the world or
he's going to melt down and destroy the world. That news led to numerous scenes
of Japanese scientists making scaredy-cat faces. At this point in the movie, I could still understand what was happening.
Godzilla radioactive, Godzilla meltdown, world kablooey! Fair enough. Not the
most original idea, but I understand it. Then things started to get fuzzy. You
see this is called Godzilla vs. Destoroyah, so we have to introduce another
giant monster. So these scientists are trying to figure out how to stop
Godzilla and they start going on about microoxygen which I never understood,
but they claimed they used it on the first Godzilla (I always thought there was
only one. Who does he find to mate with?) in the 1950s and did something to the
water that killed off Godzilla. Fine, whatever. Then there's some dumb scenes
where these scientists are mucking around with soil samples that have been
exposed to radiation or the microoxygen or something and a little teeny-tiny
creature escapes! This thing gets loose in an aquarium and turns all the fish
to bone! Oh my god! If I was a fish, I'd be so scared! This thing is the
Destroyer and they refer to it as an "oxygen destroyer." Apparently there's
more than one of these things and we have to endure a boring battle between
these things and the army. At this point in time the Destroyers are about the
size of buffaloes, but then they all combine to become Destoroyah! Army out!
Godzilla in!  As far as giant monsters go, Destroyer is really pretty pathetic. He's reddish
and has a bunch of legs and pinchers. He's got some spines or horns on his ugly
mug and he has this extra set of teeth that he can extend from his mouth to
menace pretty young television reporters (back when he was only a baby
Destroyer). So he's basically a combination of a giant lobster and one of those
things from the Alien movies. He also shoots some kind of nasty ray out of his
mouth (gee, that's really unique. I can't think of another monster that does
that, well except Godzilla and Ghidrah and everyone else in the world populated
by Toho monsters). This thing also flies around in a really fake manner. With
all those legs and no wings, he really doesn't sell the flying bit effectively.
He's not a good match for Godzilla from a visual standpoint. Big G needs
someone he can go toe to toe with, not some sort of flying multi-legged clumsy
lobster. Destroyer didn't have a distinctive enough look to keep your interest.
He looked like he was designed by committee. The best Godzilla foes, Mothra,
Rodan, Ghidrah, Gigan (buzzsaw in his chest!) had distinctive looks that you
saw and remembered. Days after seeing this one, you think back and go,
"Destroyer? Some kind crab thing that was red, kind of moved funny if I
remember right." SpaceGodzilla starred in a simply abysmal movie, but that blue
bastard had a mean-assed look you liked in spite of the stupid story. Destroyer
is just forgettable. Now there are two big monsters on the loose so those brilliant minds that
thought up the "armpit bullet" in the SpaceGodzilla movie come up with another
plan, this time to rid the world of the melting down Godzilla. Since Destroyer
has something to do with destroying oxygen and that seems to be able to kill
Godzilla, they decide that they need to have Destroyer fight Godzilla. I guess
they're assuming that Godzilla will lose and then Destroyer will quietly retire
to the south of France to spend the rest of his days basking in the glow of his
big win. They contrive to get Godzilla involved by using his kid, Godzilla, Jr.
They telepathically (huh?) lure Jr. to Destroyer and then assume that Godzilla,
Sr. will notice that Destroyer is beating the tar out of his kid and come
ripping up the coast to teach that big lobster and lesson he wont soon forget.
This Rube Goldberg-like plan plays out to perfection. Godzilla, Jr. does a
pretty good job fighting, but gets his butt kicked in the end. I should also
note that the humans also have deployed the Super X III which is a really fake
looking model plane that has been designed to fight radioactive monsters or
something by shooting freezing missiles at them. When they show this thing
flying around, the effects are so "special" my mind travelled back in time 35
years ago to the old puppet show "Thunderbirds." At this point I completely
gave up on this movie and my life and bad things started to happen. It was somewhere after the one hour mark that I put the DVD player on pause
and headed out to Wal-Mart. I returned a short time later with a gallon of
orange juice and a very large bottle of vodka that had a bunch of Russian
pictures and words on it except for the part that read, "bottled in Weston,
MO." Then, for the first time in four years, I proceeded to get sauced all by
myself as this monster fiasco played out in the background. As the room began
to spin, I noticed the movie seemed to improve in quality. I took an active
part in the flick's final climatic battle scene, first by shouting
"Thunderbirds are go!" at the top of my lungs every time that fake-ass Super X
III flew by. Then before I knew it I was shouting something else that I don't
even remember and dropping elbows on the floor in an effort to root Godzilla
on. Eventually, both Godzilla and I succumbed in our battles. He ended up dead
somehow and I ended up unconscious in my bed somehow ( I don't remember going
there, but that's where I woke up). If Toho continues to release these
atrocities, I may require inpatient treatment. As it was, I was suffering the
effects of Destroyer's victory long after Godzilla croaked. Big G! Don't leave
me here all alone!
Reviews © 2004
MonsterHunter
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