Goliath Against The Giants (1962)
This movie was only half-lying based on its title. Unlike some previous outings (we all remember when Maciste showed up instead of Goliath in Goliath And The Vampires) there was actually a guy named Goliath tearing up ships and heaving Styrofoam rocks at guys in linen dresses. However, it pains me to report that the movie was quite bereft of anything that could be called a giant.
There was one scene where a guy that was taller than Goliath put him in a bear hug, but I think that guy would more accurately be described as a caveman, or at least a tad fresh. They did do a good job of keeping me interested in giants though since the bad guy (Volkan) made a few cryptic mentions of his giants and how that would keep this Goliath fellow out of his hair, but even when Goliath took on these cavemen, who I can only guess were the giants, there were about four of five of them and they mostly got chucked off of a cliff.
That's another thing about this movie. It really isn't very good or even that funny, but if your thing is people getting thrown off of cliffs, you'll get your money's worth. Dudes get thrown off, old women are kicked off, and even Goliath's new girlfriend gets the old heave-ho at the end of things. (Strangely though, while everyone else who gets the "treatment" bounces several times like the rag doll they surely were, she ends up a bit dazed and slightly dirty from her own fall. Probably that bullet bra cushioned her fall or something.)
Now, if you don't really have a cliff-diving fetish, there are still some things in this movie that may appeal to you. How do you feel about iguanas swimming around in a water tank acting like sea-monsters? How about your Goliath really being named Brad? Well then, what if I was to tell you that Goliath's beard and his hair color sometimes don't match? I'm guessing it's just the chemical properties of the glue they used to attach his beard to his face that turned it that sickly orange color. If your strongman can't have a dark beard or at least a color recognizable as belonging to a human and not a lion, just shave his face like the rest of him.
Goliath gets us in on his sweaty all-male action right from kickoff when we see his army routing someone or other. It has been five long years of war and Goliath is finally triumphant. We weren't ever really told much about who the battle was against (there was a little kid that said he was a Spartan, but we'll get to Goliath's failed attempt at chickenhawking in a moment)or why it was being fought or how someone as invincible and with such big, shiny pecs as Goliath took five years to make the other side smell his leather jock and cry uncle, but none of that matters because no sooner does he beat down his enemies from without than he is informed that there is now an enemy from within he will have to vanquish.
There's a slug back home named Volkan who has killed the good king, assumed the throne, raised taxes, and starting pushing little old ladies off cliffs. This appears to be a common theme in many of these gladiator epics. Mouthwateringly chiseled Hero is away from home leaving the door open for flabby, ugly guy to take over. This doesn't make much sense to me since everyone back home knows that the hero is the strongest and most righteous man in the world and would no doubt soon be back home throwing carts around the town square in an effort to set things right. Wouldn't the bad guy know that you shouldn't try and take over a bodybuilder's hometown. My favorite still has to be in Hercules Vs. The Moloch when some jackass actually murdered Hercules' wife. Like you and everyone you've ever met in your life wasn't going to be getting a receipt for that one.
Goliath hears of Volkan's scheme and decides that it's too much trouble to save his homeland and stays in the place he conquered and becomes king there instead. That last sentence was of course an artist's recreation of Volkan's wet dream. The reality of things is that Goliath orders his army back to home over land, while he and few guys take a shortcut across the sea. I think he was doing this to stop a messenger from telling Volkan they were coming, but that plan goes out the window as soon this giant iguana starts trying to board his ship.
Once Goliath's boat ride gets under way, it isn't long before a young stowaway named Antheus appears. Even though you are surely thinking it, this young boy was not stowing away in Goliath's skirt. Antheus babbles about how he wants to be with Goliath even though he is an enemy because once Goliath spared the boy in battle and treated him real nice and even bought him a pair of tight designer jeans to go clubbing in. Goliath knows that any boat full of gladiators could always use some fresh meat, I mean, an extra hand and agrees to let him ride along.
The boat ride is an eventful one, which I'm sure was quite disappointing to Goliath since between battling over-grown iguanas and tearing up the ship's mast in an effort to save it from a storm, he doesn't have a spare minute to educate Antheus on what it is to be a man in the ancient world on a boat full of greased up bodybuilders.
Goliath fights an iguana and apparently defeats it by sticking a big pole in its mouth and punching it through the creature's obviously mushy skull. There is also a big foggy storm that brews up and then their boat is wrecked by the iguana or one of its friends or just maybe because Goliath ripped the mast off of it.
They also managed to squeeze some shore leave in at some place that somehow manages to be described simultaneously as a oasis of fresh water and a desert isle. They find a blonde chick there who says that someone left her as a sacrifice for the god, Tar. Tar is clearly minor league since Goliath doesn't sweat rescuing her and Tar never bothers to look him up for his infidel-like behavior. What Goliath doesn't know is that this woman is a plant from Volkan and that she is going to try and kill him later on. What I didn't know is how Volkan knew Goliath would be landing on the island and find her in the first place, but I can't even remember when Goliath fought the iguana and just how his boat sank, so it was probably just too diabolical a plan for my puny mind to even contemplate, let alone grasp fully.
Moving on to the expected shipwreck, Goliath, his girlfriend/assassin (Elea), and two of his buddies are the only survivors. Oddly enough, we never see that little twerp Antheus again and Goliath never even mentions his demise. Regardless of how average this gladiator film is (and keep in mind we're averaging it out compared to other movies where guys with fake beards battle really big iguanas), it will always hold a place in my he-man heart for its callous dispatching of the most irritating and unnecessary element of these movies - the young male sidekick. (Well, unnecessary unless you're a lonely gladiator lost at sea.)
No time to worry about that now though, because an even bigger tragedy is about to befall Goliath. What? Bigger than losing your young boy sailor? Yep. He's about to be menaced by a pack of Amazons! As far as Amazons go, these gals are pretty lame, especially with their striped tights they wear. Those would not be flattering on anyone! They kill one of Goliath's buddies, but another one, Rhesus, gets help escaping from Daina, an Amazon turncoat. Goliath handles these Amazons by basically running away from them.
Sometime before or after all this Elea tries to stick Goliath with a dagger, but is stopped. Goliath wonders why anyone would want to kill a man such as he (you know - since he's all strong and righteous and stuff) and she says it's revenge for killing her father the king and maybe her brother, too. Goliath tells her that she's got it all wrong and that it was Volkan who actually did that mean old stuff. Now she hates Volkan, because even though she was ready to believe the worst about Goliath because Volkan told her to, she is now ready to believe the worst about Volkan because Goliath told her to. No wonder she didn't get hurt when she got chucked off the cliff - it wasn't the bullet bra that cushioned her fall, but her blonde head.
Back at Goliath's hometown, there's lots of action happening. Elea gets herself sentenced to death and is added to the big pay-per-view at the Colosseum. Rhesus gets himself imprisoned and there's some kind of spiked torture wheel that he gets threatened with. Goliath puts on a blue tunic and goes undercover at the gladiator fights in the colleague in an effort to rescue Elea.
I wasn't sure why he was sneaking around and walking all suspicious-like, especially since he was doing this while going down the stairs of the Colosseum next to a bunch of guards. Good thing they didn't notice the most famous strongman in their kingdom slinking around right next to them. It's even better when he sneaks up on Volkan who is in the most visible seat in the stadium. Luckily, no one was looking in that direction I guess.
He gets Elea set free, has some battles, throws a stone door on some people and then ends up in a lion fight! There are some scenes where it looks like he ended up in a fight with a guy in a lion suit, but they do a lot of quick cuts and there was one scene in the battle when someone dressed up like Goliath was climbing on the lion's back, so all in all it was pretty fair as lion fights go.
Did I mention that he also found time to stab a guy in a gorilla suit that was in the area as well? I didn't know what to make of that, but I was still waiting on some giants, so I waved it off as not being very impressive. Eventually, Goliath wraps everything up by beating down those hairy cavemen, I mean, fearsome giants, and he and his would-be-killer live happily ever after. (There's always going to be some bumps in any relationship.)
This is a run-of-the-mill outing (probably shouldn't say "outing" around Goliath!) in this genre. Brad Harris is pretty crappy as Goliath, his questionable hair and beard taking away from his manly chest and guns, but he does have a great reaction shot when he sees the lions for the first time. Someone check that boy's leather jock to see if he needs changing! The monsters are lame and are rarely on screen or present that much of a threat (Goliath had more trouble with the cavemen than he did that iguana) and the story is hampered by its generic plot coupled with its lazy introduction and exit of various elements (the stowaway, the Amazons, the ape man,). This one has to go pretty far down the list of Italian sword and sandal movies. Not at the bottom, but much like where Goliath probably would be, not far from it.