Goliath And The Vampires (1961)
I've got a whole stack of movies featuring some tough-sounding lad named Goliath. In fact, I would wager (though not actually do the research to know for sure) that Goliath is probably second only to Hercules in the number of movies where the title follows this format: [insert name of beefcake hero here] vs./against/and the [insert name of villain/treasure/lost civilization here]. I figured that since I was dealing with a name brand hero instead of one of those strange off-label hunks like Vulcan, Tharus or Brennus that I was in for a prime slab of Italian beef!
I was somewhat disconcerted then to see that there isn't anyone in this movie named Goliath! In fact, you've got Gordon Scott (Hercules Vs. The Moloch, Samson And The 7 Miracles Of The World) cinching up the leather girdle as some dude named Maciste. That isn't really as bad as finding out that I had been tricked into viewing one of Brennus' long-lost epics, but the way they were pronouncing Maciste (say ma-cheest-ah!) made me think that this was a Spanish word for a really macho lady. And while that would have admittedly been a nice change of pace from the usual all-male shenanigans that always seemed to go on in these parts, it wasn't what I had signed up for. Not to worry though because Maciste is pretty much the same in the muscle-movie biz as Hercules, having nearly as many crazy adventures under nearly as many aliases as the daring demi-god himself!
Those of you who are uncomfortable wading through my in-depth critical analysis of this butchest of all pseudo gay porn film genres because you're a strong Christian and reading about hulking men grappling while wearing little skirts dredges up long-repressed feelings that date back to that weekend you spent with your high school baseball coach probably want a short answer on this one quickly. You just want to know whether this is the type of sword and sandal epic that is worth viewing. Well, it's pretty close in tone and subject matter to the Mario Bava-lensed Hercules In The Haunted World, though definitely a notch below that strapping classic.
There is an emphasis on the supernatural in this one over the dull political machinations that seem to afflict a surprising number of these films. There isn't as much going on though compared to Bava's film which careened from one crazy scene to another and served up Christopher Lee in the process. Goliath And The Vampires also suffers because we know next to nothing about Maciste, he has very few lines, and exhibits absolutely zero personality. I don't mean that he's stupid, irritating, or dull. He just doesn't register at all, either good or bad.
In his favor, he does bust up a whole lot of stuff and fights Korbrak's minions any chance he gets. You'll find that in a movie like this, the way a Maciste, Hercules, or Samson carries himself in battle is the measuring stick for whether he's a good character. All that "humanity" type stuff like feelings, beliefs, and speaking believably are completely secondary to that most important quality - is he able to heft around a fake rock so that it doesn't look like a giant sponge?
I seem to recall in Bava's film that Hercules demonstrated the rudimentary aspects of personality, but I may just be remembering that he had a beard. Whenever these guys have beards, I'm immediately sold on them being strong-men heroes. Those who make the questionable decision to go with a naked chin are instantly suspect and must prove themselves above and beyond the norm. In this one Maciste didn't have any beard, but he more than made up for it with his willingness to beat people up with something that looked like a telephone pole and leap recklessly into piles of bad guys.
It's just another day in the life of a super-strong guy doing stuff like saving a young boy named Ciro from drowning. Ciro is the little brother of Giulia, who just happens to be Maciste's girlfriend. (Please refrain from commenting about how this movie is a fantasy right from the beginning.)
Ciro and Maciste are riding around on a horse after Ciro recovers from his near-death experience (I'm assuming that the scenes of Maciste giving Ciro mouth-to-mouth were edited out, so as not to get this movie seized by U.S. Customs agents) when Ciro points out a whole lot of black smoke in the distance and asks what the heck is burning over in the direction of their village. Maciste finally notices all the black smoke billowing and exclaims, "why, that's our village!" He speeds to the village and finds that in addition to a big old fire, they're in the midst of a pirate invasion! What are the odds?
These pirates are killing folk, pawing at them, and stealing them, generally conforming to all the things pirates dumb enough to raid the village of the strongest guy in the world usually do. They even go the extra mile by killing Maciste's mommy and kidnapping his girlfriend. (A similarly dunderheaded stunt resulted in mucho butt kicking in Hercules Vs. The Hydra. )
Guess how long it takes Maciste to swear vengeance for his mother's death? Oh, and he also wants to rescue his gal pal as well. Maciste partners up with Ciro (just for investigative purposes you know) and gets some information that these pirates usually head for some city that sounded like it was called Salmonella. I think it's in the country of Listeria. I can only assume that these pirate raids are a fairly everyday occurrence since everyone is able to easily point out where these ruffians make their hideout.
Meanwhile on the pirate ship, the head pirate is pissed that they brought a bunch of old hags on board and orders them chucked over the side into the shark-infested waters below. They also collect blood for their "master" from some of the broads that remain. Kind of makes you think those Titanic people were a bunch of crybabies, doesn't it?
Once everyone gets to Salmonella, we find that it is populated by a people enslaved by this unseen guy named Korbrak. This has the byproduct of making for a very eventful town marketplace. You've got your prisoners to auction off and Astra, the wife of the Sultan (who is under Korbrak's thumb), purchases Giulia. You've also got what passes for entertainment/capital punishment in the middle of it all. There's a big pole sitting on a platform and a guy has to climb up the pole. Guys climbing on poles doesn't sound like it would be too far out of place in thinly disguised gay porn, but this platform also has all these spikes built into it, so when you fall off the poll, you get impaled.
At some point in all this Ciro and Maciste bust loose and Maciste proceeds to put on a display that would impress even the most veteran of urban rioters. He's jumping off buildings. He's standing around whirling his arms into people like some kind of special ed kid protecting himself on the playground from us normal kids. He's tearing up rickety marketplace structures (you know the type - awnings held up by spindly poles, and dusty clay pots that seem to break whenever Maciste merely wills it). He was even overturning carts! Did he think his team had just won the Super Bowl or something?
Eventually, he and Ciro make their escape and end up being helped by a guy named Kurtik. Kurtik turns out to be the leader of an underground race of blue men, called the Blue Men. For some reason Kurtik is the only Blue Man that is white, meaning that he is the only one that can go out to the Salmonella Wal-Mart to buy groceries and battle Korbrak. We learn that Korbrak is taking Maciste's people and making them faceless soldiers in an effort to dominate the world. I don't know if I would exactly be stomping the panic button since he seems to be barely able to control the port city of Salmonella, but I think we know that it's usually best to nip these "army of the undead" schemes in the bud.
Maciste eventually figures out he needs to invade Korbrak's lair to beat him up, get some magic potion, and cure all the dudes that Korbrak has turned into his slaves. Lots more ripped action ensues, including Maciste being tortured inside a large bell, Maciste battling his evil twin that turns out to be Korbrak, and Korbrak's unmasking!
This is one of those movies where it's clear that the story doesn't make a lot of sense, but since they don't dawdle on any of the confusing details, you don't mind all that much. This movie has it's fair share of muscle moments where Maciste tears down stone columns and the like and you also get a girl menaced by a rubber spider which is always welcome in these types of films. Yes, Maciste himself is a fairly bland individual, but Goliath And The Vampires is pretty much what you hope for when you see these sword and sandal flicks, the fantasy elements and frequent violence making you feel like you're getting a decent bang for your buck.