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 According to whomever wrote the copy on the back of the box, this movie is
"vast, lavish, and altogether spectacular." They aren't shy about letting you
know that the James Michener book this flick was based on won a Pulitzer Prize.
Then they go on about the "passionate detail" of the "stunning film" that
depicts the "epic trials, tribulations and tragedies of New England
missionaries." Max Von Sydow and Julie Andrews are the missionaries in question
and they try to convert the native Hawaiians to Christianity in the early 19th
century. They also note that this one was nominated for seven Academy Awards
(it won zip, but that's not on the box). 1966, 188 minutes, VHS
Hawaii is the often boring and frequently turgid epic film adapted from Michener's
novel of the same name. It tells the story of Christian missionary Max Von
Sydow and his efforts to bring his fire and brimstone brand of Christianity to
the "heathens" that are native to Hawaii. Along for the ride, constantly
whining, is Julie Andrews. Gene Hackman sporting epic muttonchops is also on
hand to play a doctor missionary in Hawaii. Archie Bunker is in the movie at
the very beginning (by the time this one finally wraps up it will seem like
that was a completely different film) as Andrews' father. Dingbat was not in
this film. Max Von Sydow (MVS) is a pasty faced lanky fellow who dresses like
an undertaker, is a real god-boy and hears the calling to spread the gospel
in...beautiful Hawaii! Yes, you and a wife to be arranged for you will spend 20
glorious years in the islands, harassing the locals, mocking their traditions,
and exposing them to fatal diseases all the while enjoying all the comfortable
accommodations a grass hut with a dirt floor can provide!  MVS and Julie Andrews get married because the church won't let him go to
Hawaii without a wife and Julie Andrews is trying to forget a sailor named
Rafer. Has anyone at UPN thought about optioning this as a sitcom? We then
spend a half an hour aboard a ship watching Julie Andrews be sea sick and
watching MVS strutting about the boat unaffected and bullying the shipmates
with his prolific bible quotes. There is a tender scene where MVS forces
Andrews to eat a big green banana! Don't know what that was all about. So we
land and get to work converting the heathens. The rest of the movie is spent
watching MVS berate anyone within shouting distance about how they are sinners
and they need to renounce their beliefs so that they will not "burn in
everlasting hell!" Unfortunately the Hawaiians were all into incest and pagan
shark gods and running around topless and killing babies that were deformed
(had birthmarks!), so there was an inevitable culture clash and you just knew
hijinks would ensue. MVS is spectacular as a guy who walks around with a stick up his butt the
entire movie. This guy is completely unyielding in his conviction that he
simply must force his way of life on all these natives. It doesn't matter if
they laugh at him, ignore him, pretend to listen to him or any of that because
they just go on screwing their own sister anyway. The real problem MVS has, as
his long suffering doormat, I mean wife, tells him is that he doesn't really
see these Hawaiians as the easy going, lovable deviants they are. He sees them
simply as potential converts, not people. Andrews also lays the smack down on
him about his conception of God. The whole time MVS runs around screaming like
Chicken Little about a wrathful, vengeful god (he's a heel!). Andrews tells him
that her God is warm, loving, forgiving god (he's a babyface!). Of course, we
all know that's just feel-good liberal hogwash, but because Julie was batting
her purty little eyes at him when she said it, he promises to straighten up and
fly right.  Oh yes, there's also a little personal soap opera type storyline with MVS and
his wife that rears it's unlikely head every hour and fifteen minutes or so.
Remember Rafer, the sailor Julie was trying to forget? Well, as luck would have
it, Richard Harris shows up on the very same island as these two as a sailor
named Rafer. He's a rough and tumble rogue with colorful language and a
two-fisted answer to Max's piety. There's almost a knife fight between the two
of them and Max has his knife taken from him by Rafer like a little girl (he's
a lover, not a fighter!). Rafer wants Andrews back, but she's with child and
says her place is with Max. So Rafer steals some native girls and leaves the
islands until the last act of the film (natch!). Then we sit through hours of
blah blah and I kept wishing that the Hawaiian guys would put their shirts on
and that Andrews would take her's off (see SOB ). At the end of the movie we have a big measles outbreak that kills a bunch
of the Hawaiians (Max was right about God striking them down for their nasty
ways!). I guess that was the climax of the movie. At this point, there was no
place on Earth I wanted to visit less than Hawaii. This movie is one of those historical epics they used to make in the 1950s and
1960s. I think to sustain a movie like this for in excess three hours you need
to have a compelling main character like Spartacus or Ben-Hur. Max Von Sydow
gives a good account of himself in portraying Abner Hale over a twenty year
time span and the toll that time and his inflexible ways take on him, but (you
knew there was a "but" coming) he just isn't much fun to watch. If I knew this
guy in real life, I wouldn't return his calls or invite him to any parties
(Spartacus - yes, Abner - no). He just keeps harping away at everyone all the
time. His wife tried to be a moderating influence, but all that got her was an
early grave. She finally just worked herself to death without really getting
any affection from Abner. He didn't want to let his God down by putting someone
ahead of Him. Well, when Rafer shows up towards the end of the film looking for
her and MVS points at her grave and says, "I killed her," I think Rafer punched
his lights out for all of us. Geez, you only had that coming for twenty years.
And the thing is, Abner wasn't a bad guy in that he was some kind of David
Koresh or something. He did what he thought the bible told him to and didn't
expect anything out of anyone that he didn't expect for himself. But a guy like
that, who runs around lamenting how he's a blasphemer all the time makes for a
trying time at the movies. Couldn't he enjoyed his life in Hawaii for five
minutes? What this movie needed was big hurricane scene at the end. I thought I
at least was going to get to see people lashed to trees and huts buried in
water as monstrous wave after monstrous wave chased our stars in and out of
volcanoes. But all we got were measles. After watching this one, I was checking
myself for spots.
Reviews © 2004
MonsterHunter
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