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 There is this "Cult of Moloch" that sacrifices "the finest young people in the
region" and it is up to Glauco (who calls himself Hercules) to stop this. He
becomes buddies with the Queen by performing "feats of strength and dexterity"
and he gets appointed to be the Captain of the guys that guards Moloch. Glauco
eventually leads a rebellion against the Queen and also gets a girlfriend along
the way. 1963, 98 minutes, VHS
Okay, it turns out that this isn't a movie about a guy named Hercules. It
isn't even a movie about a guy named Goliath, Maciste, Ursus, Samson, Atlas, or
even Thundarr. It's all about this guy named Glauco, who realizing it would be
doubtful that I would have ever looked at this one twice, let alone bought it
at all if this movie was called Glauco Vs. The Moloch, decided that he should spend a good portion of this film undercover as a guy
named Hercules. It also turns out that this Moloch that this
not-quite-Hercules takes on isn't some type of strange flesh-eating serpent
like I
imagined or even a giant multi-headed lizard like I was kind of hoping for. So
what exactly is a Moloch (no, it isn't the kind of haircut you have - that's a
mullet)? It's this guy that lives underneath the city-state of Mycene in a
grotto (glad to see they could at least sign up a grotto for this one) who has
a really ugly face and conceals it with a big dog-shaped helmet. Of course, by
now you have figured out that this movie should have been called something like Glauco vs. The Man In The Iron Dog Mask and I'll be forwarding all your
complaints to the Federal Trade Commission in hopes that Vidmark will be forced
to call a spade a spade here (in their defense, Vidmark does note in
parentheses that this movie is also known as Conquest Of Mycene, so that if
you're in the store and entranced by the green cover, you'll know that if
you've seen Gordon Scott conquer Mycene years ago at the drive-in then you've
also already seen Hercules take on this Moloch cretin. Since I've mentioned
Gordon Scott, we may as well run down this guy's credentials to be one of our
Hercules (Wasn't Mark Forest serving as our Hercules during this time as well?
This is why these Hercules guys could have used an Electoral College.).
Gordon served as Goliath in several pictures, but not as Goliath in the smash
hit Goliath And The Dragon (somehow that was Mark Forest), because at that point in time, Gordon was busy
making Tarzan movies. Additional qualifications include a marriage to Vera
Miles, known to us not just as Mrs. Glauco, but also as the sister of Janet
Leigh in Psycho.  Gordon's credentials clearly established (don't confuse him with Gordon
Mitchell though, who played Maciste and Achilles in a pair of films and was also
in The Giant Of Metropolis), we can comfortably settle in and assume that he'll fill out his linen
miniskirt and leather wristbands with great aplomb. After that unfortunate
situation with Mark Forest not growing a beard in Hercules Vs. The Sons Of The Sun, it is a pleasure to see this Hercules (we're not going to blow his cover by
using his real name) with a well groomed beard and though we would obviously
preferred it to cover his entire jaw and be a lot bushier, it gives him the
sleek commanding look that goes over well in certain bars near the YMCA here in
town. You're probably wondering what sort of Hercules movie this one is.
You're wondering if it's one of those colorful fantasies like Hercules In The Haunted World or one where Hercules battles strange and exciting creatures. Or
maybe it would be one of those fairly bland ones like Hercules Vs. The Sons Of The Sun, which was memorable not because of anything Hercules did, but because
he somehow managed to do it with a bunch of Incas. You know, I just finished
watching this one about an hour ago and I'm still wondering what sort of
Hercules
movie it was. I'm fairly sure that it wasn't terribly exciting and I know that
Hercules didn't do much of anything other than fight this deformed freak in the
dog mask, but that was at the very end of the film. As far as the beginning
goes, this one stayed with me as long as the nachos I had Saturday night at the
sports bar and I began cussing out my buddy who was driving us the half mile
back to my house to not stop so long at stop signs, because of a serious rumble
in my jungle. I will admit that unlike Saturday night, I didn't emerge from
this movie with a sheen of sweat on my forehead and curiously out of breath, but
this movie went right through me nonetheless. I suspect, but don't hold me to
it (I only pledge to watch these movies, not pay them any attention or remember
anything about them), that this movie started by showing us the origins of the
cruel royalty that rules Mycene.  None of what happened in the beginning made much sense to me (when I don't
catch on to something immediately, I just forget it), but there was a king and
he had a second wife who was all preggers and stuff. He had a daughter by his
first wife and that kid's name was Medea. This Mycene place was in trouble
because they worshipped this god named Moloch. Somehow, the earth goddess
didn't appreciate this and caused all kinds of bad stuff to happen to Mycene.
This involved stuff getting ruined and I do remember this dog-headed statue
getting busted up. The king is dying and tells his wife to go and find a new
place for Mycene to rebuild and to not to worship Moloch anymore, what with him
getting his dog ass whipped by this earth goddess and all. She agrees and we
next check in on these Mycenese twenty years later when their new city is all
built, this woman is installed as the queen, and her deformed son is a maniac
living underground and is revered as the living reincarnation of Moloch who
needs all kinds of sacrifices. Whew! Look what happens when you're gone for
twenty years! The surrounding city-states don't understand the benefits of
having a living dog god underneath the city, so they are understandably upset
when Mycene demands lots of tribute, hostages, and hotties to sacrifice to
Moloch. One of these city states is someplace that my have been named Tyrans
or Tyrese or Tylenol or something. This is where the prince formerly known as
Glauco is from. He's a well-defined slab of hunk-granite who thinks that
someone should go into Mycene and show them whose god is a real dog. They get
a report that Mycene has attacked one of their allies, and Glauco's dad, the
king, is a bit hesitant to go and help, but you know how a Hercules is about
missing a battle. Glauco decides that the best course of action is to soften
the Mycenians up from within before he has the balance of his forces storm the
city. This is how he ends up going undercover as a hostage named Hercules. I
guess taking that name is a lot less conspicuous than showing up as the world
famous Glauco.  I can't say that I ever believed that Hercules ever had his plan worked out
beyond that "get taken as hostage" part of things, because as soon as he gets
to Mycene he gets into a fight with one of the guards and gains the Queen's
attentions so that he is appointed to some type of post (maybe it was a pretty
good plan after all). He is soon sucking up to the queen in a very un-Hercules
like manner, but we all know that he doesn't mean it, especially since in one
scene he's giving her some gratuitous compliment while he absent-mindedly
throws grapes down his throat. His status as Queen's favorite comes to an
abrupt halt after Hercules interrupts some slug's attempt to rape Medea. The
Queen wants to get Medea married off so that she'll have no claim to the throne
and won't be a source of rebellion with her subjects. Once the Queen finds
this out, Hercules is fired and signed up for the big gladiator games that
begin the next day. This allows the film the opportunity to give us one of
those "gladiator school" scenes that movies from Spartacus to Gladiator have delighted audiences with. In this particular case, the scene lasts about
a minute and a half and is just a couple of guys swing a sword at a crabby guy
with a shield. Even though Hercules is being held prisoner until the games, he
still finds time to plot the big invasion with his pals in the palace guard.
Things go a bit haywire when his new girlfriend Medea gets herself in trouble
somehow and ends up imprisoned as some potential earth goddess sacrifice. I
never knew what was happening or why by this point in things. Hercules and
Medea are then chained up to one another for the big gladiator games and Herc
ends up choking out his opponent with a chain. Then Hercules is taken prisoner
again I think and his girlfriend is all rigged up to be sacrificed, but a
thunderstorm appears and some lightning from the gods strike down the guy who
was going to sacrifice her and the crowd revolts allowing Hercules to escape,
but Medea is captured again and shipped off to play in Moloch's underground dog
house. The movie ends with way too much babble about what the big plan is militarily
speaking and we see endless shots of groups of guys marching around and riding
horses. There's some skirmishes, people retreat, attack again, sneak around,
let other soldiers into the city, and more melees with guys in Trojan outfits
falling down with spears and arrows sticking out of them. It's all very
unconvincing and not very well photographed or thought out visually. I just
wanted to fast forward all these parts so that I could watch Hercules worm that
stupid Moloch guy. They finally hook it up in the main event and by
this time Moloch has unmasked to reveal that he is wearing a hideously fake
mask that
is supposed to make him look really ugly and scary. They roll around and flip
each other over a few times before Hercules kicks over a cauldron of fire on
him ending the match. There was too much talk and too few interesting things
happening in this movie to really merit a viewing by anyone other than the most
hardcore of peplum fans (We're learning more Italian aren't we? Peplum is
Italian for "gay porn masquerading as Hercules movies"). Gordon Scott isn't a
terribly offensive Hercules, he's just not one that you'll think of later on
when listing out your favorite Hercules. The Moloch is probably the best part
of this movie. He's got some great lines about how much he hates beauty and
does a lot of strutting around in his dog helmet that would do the Crimson
Executioner from Bloody Pit Of Horror proud (note to Mickey Hargitay fans: He played Hercules in Hercules Vs. The Hydra!). The Moloch though doesn't get much screen time and isn't really an
effective villain since he just hides in his tunnels all movie waiting for the
ladies to be delivered to him. He needs to be out and about on foggy nights
skulking and stalking victims and raising all sorts of havoc, not camped out in
his mamma's basement like he was waiting for Farscape to get un-cancelled or something. An unfocused and not very enjoyable film
with an emphasis on talk and armies running around over Hercules-type heroics
(he does break some swords and chains and lifts a few big rocks) that betrays
the film's origins as something other than a real Hercules film.
Reviews © 2004
MonsterHunter
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