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 There's a prison where "beautiful young girls" are taken and punished. "The
crazed caretakers viciously whip their victims in this nightmarish den of
torture and depravity." If these hotties try to escape they get executed!
The director, Pete Walker, is referred
to as a "British goremaster" and they list a couple of his films that you've
probably never heard of, let alone seen (Frightmare and The Flesh and Blood Show). 1974, 102 minutes, DVD
All right! It's another flick in Image's "EuroShock Collection!" I like to
think of the EuroShock Collection as the classy brother to Salvation's
Redemption line (also distributed by Image - somebody give those guys a
medal!). Where Redemption's films are little-known dung-piles, the EuroShock
Collection generally has a better pedigree as far as filmmakers and stars go.
Of course, it goes without saying thatHouse of Whipcordis an exception to that rule. No stars like Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing
inHorror Express. Just a really crappy film, likeThe Playgirls and the Vampire. First of all, do not, I repeat, do not be tempted and/or fooled by the lurid
cover art that this DVD edition displays. There are no scenes in the movie
remotely like those depicted in the artwork. This British turd wants to
position itself as a kinky women in prison film. I've always been dubious of
that genre myself, but if that's your bag, have at it. Just don't bother with
this one. Things start promisingly enough at an art gallery in a really hip
part of London. 1974 means you're going to get some way out clothes, grody
hair, and unimaginatively bad sideburns. Since this is a bunch of hipsters,
they're displaying some idiotic photo of a girl kind of naked in a public park
being arrested for being kind of naked in a public park. What really
distinguished this photo (B&W natch!) as art is that some wiseacre had drawn in
funny word balloons above the persons' heads, making it about as funny as
Peanuts
or The Family Circus (don't you cringe whenever Bil Keene takes the day off and
lets little Billy draw the comicstrip? Don't you just cringe that there is
such a comic strip at all? It sure aint no Maramduke!) With all these hepcats yukking it up over her Lady Godiva impression, our
suddenly very shy lass retreats to a corner of the art gallery to have a drink
by herself and to contemplate a new profession. A tall, dark stranger sidles
up next to her and talks in a very ridiculous tone of voice that he probably
thinks is soothing, but comes off like the stage patter of a magician. (I might
only be thinking that because I thought this dude looked vaguely like a very
scuzzy David Copperfield. And I might only be thinking that because I just saw
a very scuzzy David Copperfield inTerror Trainthe other day.) This girl is immediately taken by this mysterious stranger
and we then watch them out on a date at dinner, where he proceeds to engage in
a very creepy conversation with her that culminates in him sort of hypnotizing
her into thinking that he is cutting her face with a knife when it really was
only an ice cube. She freaks momentarily and complains that it was kind of a
dirty trick to play on her. He explains that, "hey it was just a joke, wait'll
you see what I'm like once you get to know me better and I drop this whole
creepy-freak act that I use to pick up chicks." She says okay and immediately
agrees to go away with him for the weekend.  Survey time! How many of you out there think it was a good idea for her to go
on a weekend trip with this dude? And how many of you out there think that
he's going to take her to some demented prison run by sadistic freaks where
they will torture and kill her? Survey says: one more for the sadistic
freaks! So, they're driving and he's wearing a ring that bears the initials
"M.E.D." It turns out that this guy's name is Mark E. Desade. Ouch! Memo to
eligible young ladies. Do not go out with people who have names that sound
vaguely like serial killers, demented torturers, names that sound like Satan or
the devil (remember The Omen and Damien Thorn?), names that are really some
nasty person spelled backwards (if I ever see another movie with some jobroni
named Alucard or get this - Dr. Acula, I'm going to put a stake through my
scrotum) or any other name that any normal person would have pegged as trouble.
Eventually they get to this big old mansion-type house and Mark disappears and
these nasty women wearing grey prison guard outfits materialize and tell this
young thing to strip. The really amazing thing is that at this point the girl
is sort of put out by all of this, but doesn't really seemed terribly worried
that maybe Mr. Desade isn't all he's cracked up to be. Eventually she figures
out she's in deep doo-doo. She goes in front of some old geezer and his wife
and is told that she is to be incarcerated at this facility for her bad morals
and that she'll be released once she shapes up. Now you get to the whole premise of this sorry movie. These two dopes are
disgusted with the way that today's (1974) women behave and have started their
own court system and jail to punish those whose morals they do not like.
There's some backstory about how the guy used to be in charge of the real
prison system and the woman was a guard and some French girl back in the 40s
got killed in her custody and she got fired from her job. They then joined up
to start this exciting new program for the wayward young ladies of England.
The movie suffers from its non-existent budget (aside from its non-existent
entertainment). The prison is really kind of a rinky-dink affair with only two
guards (both of the Ballbreaker fromPorky'smold), the husband and wife administration team (there is actually a scene of
her doing paperwork), and about five scurvy women that serve as prisoners.
It's obvious that these people running the show are sickos, but they actually
anticipated a trend that became popular here in the United States a few years
ago: the three strikes and you're out policy. In this prison, the first time
you screw up you get put in solitary for two weeks (but since there's like only
four other prisoners, big whup), the second time you screw up you get whipped
(I guess there is where this film derives its stupid title) and the third time
you get hanged. You would think this would straighten out these hardened
criminals, but they're always stealing food and trying to escape so get to see
a whipping and a couple of hangings. Whatever happened to Mark E. Desade?
Well, he was the son of the two freaks who run this crazy show and he also has
a very unhealthy relationship with mommy of theFlowers in the Attickind if you smell what I'm cooking. He apparently uses his unique charms to
lure unsuspecting and very stupid young women to his momma's house. Our
heroine has an escape attempt that is of course foiled since this is another
schlocker that runs a very pudgy 102 minutes. Tip to no-talent z-movie
directors: in your field the 75 minute movie is a virtue!  This is a very ugly movie to look at. The actors are ugly, the sets are ugly
and the shots are ugly. The film seems leeched of any vibrant colors at all.
I know that this is brutal prison flick, so all this dingy ugliness should add
to the atmosphere, but the problem is that combined with the boring story, the
uninteresting performances and much too long running time it merely serves to
induce a fair amount of drowsiness. I watched this one in the afternoon and
completely sober and I was falling asleep on my couch about forty minutes into
it. There weren't any particularly strong characters in this flick. The woman
in charge of the prison was notable only because when I first saw her I thought
her gimmick was that she was a man in drag, but it turned out she was really
just a woman that looked like Bea Arthur's ugly sister. Our heroine wasn't
anything
worth caring about. She acted like a dumbass the whole time and all we knew
about her was that she liked being photographed naked in public places and
didn't mind spending the weekend with a weirdo she just met. Boy, hope nothing
happens to her, the world would be so much poorer without her contributions.
The only amusing thing about this film was the heroine's roomie who kept
wondering what happened to her. She would tell her boyfriend that she was
concerned that her roomie had been missing for like weeks and he would just
pooh-pooh it, saying that she must've really gotten along with the mysterious
stranger she went away with. Guys are so cool! The more I think about this
one, the less I enjoy my life. ThisHouseshould be condemned! (And yes, I will be using that line on all future movies
that have the word "house" in the title i.e.Lisa and the House of Exorcism.)
Reviews © 2004
MonsterHunter
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