 |
 Alex and Ricky help a couple of rich folks with their car and "invite
themselves to a party". The partygoers are bored and looking for "kicks,
unaware of the two madmen in their midst". They say that the movie eventually
"descends into an unrelenting catalogue of repugnant moments of humiliations,
rape, mutilation and murder". 1980, 90 minutes, Widescreen, DVD
This has got one of those pedigrees that really makes it impossible to act
outraged when you discover that this cruddy little flick isn't even as
gratuitous as its deservedly bad press probably led you to believe. You've
got Ruggero Deodato at the helm. He's proven to be a steady hand at churning
out despicable movies such as Cannibal Holocaust and Jungle Holocaust, but watching those flicks, you've probably suspected that in an environment
where he wasn't able to slaughter animals on camera, that he'd probably be
down at a level as the unremarkably crappy Andrea Bianchi. You've got
two writers
on this thing that have worked together on a number of abysmal
Italian horror flicks like The New York Ripper, Monster Shark and Murder Rock. They each tested their wings without one another when one penned the Fulci
flick The Sweet House Of Horrors and the other worked up Fulci's The House Of Clocks. Much like NFL coaching jobs, there is only a pool of about fifty people to
draw from when making an Italian horror film. In the acting the department,
this movie delivers what must pass for star power, at least in the genre of
"people getting brutalized and humiliated in a house by psychotic thug", with
the presence of the absurdly permed David Hess. Hess is best known for his
role in Last House On The Left, but since it's been over fifteen years
since I've seen that one, I'll have to believe David Hess' website on that
matter (if you by some mistake watch this movie and can't get enough of the
ugly Hess, his website provides lots of pictures. Memo to David: the beard is
a definite plus). You've also got a guy that was in the movie Stage Fright as
well as several broads who were in various Emmanuelle movies. I'll bet you feel like you're in good hands now.  I'm guessing that this is one of those movies with pretensions of using all its
violence as a way to question who are really the criminals: the two slugs that
torture the people in the house, or the rich people who cheat at poker and make
fun of the way this retarded guy dances. Uh, let me see, the people who are
committing all the felonies? I won't kid you - at the beginning, I was kind of
glad that these rich folks were going to get all brutalized and sliced and
stuff. This was mainly because these people were supposed to be Americans, but
all had that distinctly sissy European look. You know that look. These guys
had feathered hair, puffy lips and big dewy eyes. That's definite Eurotrash.
Another real problem with this movie and others like it, is that these Italian
guys always like to set their junky horror movies about freaks and slashers in
the good old U.S. of A. I don't think I have to make the obvious point that
all these heinous ideas ferment like a brain-sized cowpie in the heads of guys
who are Italian, not Americans. Why do you have to make us look bad, with your
disgusting movies? Can't we use this war on terror thing to keep guys like
Ruggero Deodato out of our beloved country? Now as to the movie itself, if you
had any doubts as to what you had purchased (and how could you since the cover
had this really cool hooded skeleton holding a razor blade?), the opening scene
is one
where Alex (David Hess) cuts off another vehicle in New York City, gets into
the car with the woman driver, then rapes and strangles her. Alex has a best
pal that he hangs out with at the parking garage apartment he has (huh?). His
name is Ricky and the DVD box describes him as Alex's "slightly retarded
sidekick". Naturally, I was looking forward to this, since as we all know,
retards are both funny and a window to our soul. I was thinking that Ruggero
was going to be able to show us that retards are really quite knowing and wise,
much like Forrest Gump. I was also counting on a lot of drooling, slurred
speech, and spastic movements. I was disappointed to say the least, when Ricky
turned out just to be kind of dumb, instead outright mentally challenged. I
suppose a case could made for his retardation since his best friend was a
swinging nutjob that lived in a parking garage and who dressed in a yellow vest
and
pants.  Alex and his not-retarded-enough pal are getting ready for a big Saturday night
of clubbing when two rich folks roll up into their parking garage bachelor pad,
saying they are experiencing car trouble. This was as big a surprise to the
audience as was no doubt to those in the car since the previous scene showed
them just driving in the city and seeing the parking garage and deciding to
pull into it for apparently no reason. This would all allegedly make sense at
the very end of the movie when a surprise twist was unveiled. The most
surprising aspect of this twist was how unconvincing it was, but we still have
about an hour and a half of Alex cackling wildly and waving around his razor to
get through before that. These two rich people say that they need their car
fixed. I'm thinking that maybe this is actually a repair garage and not a
parking garage now, but that still doesn't explain why Alex lives there. Ricky
is more than happy to look at it, though Alex is pissed because he wants to get
out and boogie (yes, the music here is strictly late seventies disco
supplemented by a nauseating theme song they play repeatedly). Ricky fixes the
car and the rich folks invite him and Alex to this way cool party they're
having down at that house on the edge of the park. Alex deliberates over which
knife he'll take along, decides on a classic straight razor (solid pick, my
man!) and he and Ricky hop in the car and head off to the party. Once there,
we see, but never really meet, the people there. There's two guys and three
girls and it isn't long before Alex tries to work some of his "magic" on one of
the rich skanks there. This consists of him trying to stick his hands all over
her and following her upstairs while she takes a shower. Just a brief note
here: proper party etiquette is to take all showers prior to the arrival of
the guests. Ricky, likewise is finding success as the retard everyone likes to
have fun with, when he starts getting down on the dance floor with one of the
ladies in the house. It isn't long before he is encouraged (though not by any
of us in the audience I assure you) to do a strip tease and before he can go the
full monty or whatever it's called (sorry, but I don't intentionally watch
movies about guys taking off their clothes , no matter what those liberal
critics say), Alex steps in and tells him to cut it out and that they're just
making fun of him. Well, isn't that what retards and parties are for? That's
what I get from this movie anyway. These Italians just make me sick with their
insensitive attitudes!  With Alex thankfully putting a halt to the strip tease, Ricky gets himself into
more trouble when he agrees to play poker with the rich jerks. He keeps losing
and soon Alex shows up and starts bankrolling him, sure that all he needs is a
stake to get himself back on track. Well, Ricky keeps losing and Alex becomes
enraged that these people are cheating his buddy. Uh, Alex, did it ever occur
to you that Ricky is maybe not the best poker player around? In any event,
this leads to a brawl and Alex punks all these rich dopes and then the fun
really begins. He beats up one of them, pummeling him senseless and dumping
him in the pool, then Alex urinates on him while he's trying to get out of the
pool. This is of course symbolic as a baptism for the rich guy into a world
where physical might, not social position matter and also a world where Alex
has had too much beer and a predictably weak bladder. I thought to myself that
Ruggero must have been going soft after all the negative pub that Cannibal Holocaust got, because the Ruggero that I knew, the Ruggero that impaled naked
broads, castrated naked guys, and butchered monkeys, tortoises, and other odd
jungle mammals would have had Alex go number two all over this guy, not just
make a little tinkle. Oh well, I suppose that Ruggero is an "artist" now and
is more concerned with making his penetrating social commentary on the class
struggle that exists in this country than he is in making the gorehounds who
like lots of scatalogical gore in their movies proud. The remainder of the
movie isn't quite nearly as gruelling as Ruggero undoubtedly hoped it would be.
First of all, who cares if these rich jerks get tormented, cut, beat down, and
felt up? They weren't sympathetic in the least, even though they never really
did anything wrong. The way this movie played out, you had to wonder whether
David Hess wasn't making suggestions to Ruggero about how to play things, since
a lot of the movie involved scenes of Hess overplaying the frizzy-haired
dirtbag. When you are this ugly and uninteresting (How long are you going to
cuss and wave your razor around? Either use it or just shut up!), the less
screen time you get, the more effective you are. I will confess that I didn't really despise this movie like I probably should
have, but that was chiefly because Ruggero gave me a couple of good belly
laughs, though I'm guessing he didn't mean to. First of all, there was the
subplot where Alex tells the retard to rape this girl in front of everyone, but
Ricky can't get it up (Viagra man! If it's okay for Major League Baseball star
Rafael Palmeiro, then it's cool for the rest of us!). Later this girl runs
away outside and Ricky is dispatched to get her back. When he does, he
confesses that he doesn't want to hurt her and they have a "moment" and end up
doing it consensually right there in the back yard! I've always maintained
that love can strike when you least expect it! Later, Ricky and Alex have a
disagreement since Ricky has become whipped by his gal and now wants Alex to
stop wrecking the party. This gets Ricky slashed with the razor. Then the
blonde guy with the pouty lips gets a gun from a drawer and starts shooting
Alex. This is another one of those belly laughs, because eventually Alex takes
a shot and lets loose with the lengthiest and most slow motion scream you'll
ever see. Poetically, he ends up in the pool, but inexplicably no one pisses on
him. Pouty Lips reveals that it was his sister that Alex raped and killed at
the park and this was all part of his revenge plot. I'm sure the virgin that
Alex sliced up appreciates being part of the plan. How did he know that Alex
did it? How did he know where to find Alex? How did he know Alex would come
along in the first place? How did he know that he would survive Alex's
assault? How many partygoers where in on it? Was the brief scene at the end
where Pouty Lips speculates that one of the girls liked the danger of the plan
and also wondered about the "price" everyone paid really necessary? Would I
have ever bought this if it wasn't on sale for $9.95? This is a movie as
unattractive as the lead actor and shouldn't satisfy anyone with it's lack of
imagination, lack of gore, lack of suspense, and lack of reason. Alex's death
is really the only thing worth mentioning and the only thing you'll remember
from this one, but only because when he screams, he opens his mouth so wide
you can see all your fillings. The bottom line on all of this is that Ruggero
needs to stay over in Europe and David Hess needs to brush regularly.
Reviews © 2004
MonsterHunter
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