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 A school for "young ladies" is about to have some "evil horror" "unleashed" on
them at the Karnstein Castle. "A ravishing vampire has been resurrected in a
most unholy manner, and no one, not even the man she loves, is safe from her
lust for blood..." 1971, 91 minutes, VHS
Hammer Films can usually be counted on to deliver at least a competent, if not
outstanding horror film, be it with mummys, Frankenstein monsters, or vampires.
You usually get a decent story, some fine actors (usually Cushing and/or Lee,
but
others step up, too.), nice atmosphere and good production values. These movies
also move at a good pace so that you don't stop to think how truly idiotic some
of
the things are (A martian physic invasion? Psychic yetis?). Lust For A
Vampire then is a good example that Hammer was just as capable at churning out
atrocious lesbian vampire movies as say, a Jess Franco, for example. To be
fair to most everyone involved, they realized what a colossal pile of refuse
they had gotten involved with. Ralph Bates, who is inexplicably top-billed
(more on that later) has been quoted as saying that he did the movie as a favor
to director Jimmy Sangster and that "it was a tasteless film and I regret
having anything to do with it." Yutte Stensgaard, who played the resurrected
Karnstein vampire Mircalla is said to have disappeared for awhile during
the seventies following the film's release and she can now be found selling
advertising in Oregon for a Christian radio station. She also refuses to
discuss her previous career as a lesbian vampire (you'd think that would be a
good
conversation opener when you're trying to get that bible bookstore to buy some
sixty second spots.) I'm not suggesting that this movie was so awful that it
made Yutte a born-again Christian or something, but I don't think it would be
outlandish to assume that it played a large part (um, about all I would say) in
her decision to quit acting and become a Branch Davidian or something.>  If you care, this is the second in Hammer's Karnstein vampire trilogy. The
other two were The Vampire Lovers and Twins of Evil. It's the 1830s and everyone believes that the family has died out, everyone
that is, except all the people who live in the village just up the street from
Karnstein Castle. The villagers believe that once every forty years the
Karnsteins come back, get reincarnated somehow and wreak havoc on god-fearing
virgins everywhere in the tri-state area. Their fears have been stoked by the
disappearances of some village girls. The innkeeper assures us that at least
one of them was a "good girl" who wouldn't just run off like the "bad girls" of
all the other villages. Into all of this intrigue prances the initially
foppish Richard Lestrange, a renowned novelist of super-scary books that were
probably the 19th century equivalent of the Goosebumps series or something. Lestrange makes the mistake of flirting with one of the
serving wenches, I mean village good girls, and the innkeeper yells at him that
there will be no flirting as long as these girls are in danger of getting eaten
by a vampire. He then proceeds to lay out the background on these Karnstein
losers so that Lestrange and the audience will know what they are getting into.
Lestrange shows his mettle (and lack of tact) by laughing in this redneck's
face, telling him that
that's just superstition and that he could get a better tale from one of the
many super-scary books he wrote (Now available in paperback!), but to show that
he's not a complete jerk, he will go on up to the Karnstein Castle and confirm
that yes, you sir are just a backward boob whose employees would rather become
one of the undead than work for you.  So Lestrange heads up to the castle and it appears to be deserted, but you and I
know otherwise, because in the opening scenes of the movie we got to witness
this "good girl" get abducted (how many times do I have to say it? Don't
accept rides in a coach that belongs to a vampire!) and taken back to the
castle. There we see the patriarch of the family, Count Karnstein preside
over the ritual sacrifice of this girl. This Count is probably one of the
lamest vampires you will ever see. He even ranks above the rogue-wearing sissy
from another Hammer classic, The Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires. This guy is featured on the front cover of the video and I had assumed that
this was the legendary Ralph Bates who was one of the names on top of the video
box. Well, it turns out that Master Bates (hehehe) actually plays the part of
Giles Barton, the nerd-like history teacher that desires only to serve Yutte as
his slave (hey, the line forms at the back, buddy). The fact of the matter is
that this Count Karnstein is rarely in the movie, does little but give out
bogus death certificates and generally tries to look the part of what all
nincompoop-villagers think a vampire should look like (A red cape?
Ridiculously pointy hairline? Strange eye movements when staring at heaving
bosoms? Yep, vampire.). But to be fair to him, how much action is he going to
get in a family of lesbian vampires? So he watches as this other vampire, a
countess slices the throat of the good girl and we watch as the blood drips all
over this white shroud the covers a corpse in a coffin. This blood acts to
resurrect Carmilla Karnstein, but now she's called Mircalla which of course
is an anagram of Carmilla (how clever!). So does our boy Lestrange see any of
this upon entering the castle? No, he runs into a bunch of teenage girls who
all go to the boarding school just across the street from the Karnstein
Castle. Since Lestrange is Lestraight he follows them back to their school,
all the while chatting with Giles Barton, their history teacher. Once at the
school, Lestrange watches a P.E. class much too long and immediately falls in
lust after Mircalla, who for some reason has been enrolled in classes there.
It's nice that among all their dastardly doings that vampires still remember
how important getting an education is. We also are introduced to another
teacher there, a
Miss Playfair and you can tell she's got eyes for Lestrange. Eventually, after Lestrange hangs around so long all the girls are saying,
"eww, what's that icky old man doing here?" he goes back to the inn to report
what he has learned. As you might expect, he is now the hero of all the men
there and they revel in his stories of the girl's boarding school. Didn't they
even know it was there? Then a girl is found dead with teeth marks in her neck
and everyone gets all hyper and for some reason this leads Lestrange to trick
his way into a job teaching at the girls' school! Don't worry, guys. I'll go
undercover as a horny teacher and get to the bottom of all these girls, I mean
all these girls' disappearance. Lestrange makes eyes at Mircalla and she goes
out skinny dipping with another student, which as most of us should know by
now, leads to this student's untimely demise. If you take nothing else away
from any of these reviews, you should at least know that skinny dipping is a
very dangerous practice. Giles hides the dead girl in the well and tries to
get Mircalla to let him into her secret lesbian vampire club, so she bites him
in the neck and just leaves his body under a log ("Uh, okay, then Mircalla,
I'll call you sometime."). The headmistress covers up the various deaths (bad
for business, doesn't sound good in the brochure) and the Count shows up to say
that each person died of a heart attack. This movie really is awful - if all
of this sounds stupid, well that's because it is. Things get even stupider
during the big love scene between Mircalla (can I see some I.D. before we bump
uglies?) and Lestrange. They're rolling around when suddenly the worst song
you've ever heard starts blaring. It's some kind of seventies pop song called
"Strange Love" and is even worse than the theme song from The Lost Continent. That travesty only played over the opening credits, it didn't interfere with
a pivotal scene in the main body of the movie. Luckily for us, this movie is
so bad, it's not really ruining anything, except maybe the nap you accidentally
lapsed into while the vampires weren't doing anything other than covering up
various deaths with their fake paperwork (how scary!)  Eventually, Miss Playfair squeals on her boss and tells the cops that everyone
is getting chomped by vampires on the campus, so one cop shows up and begins
his investigation. It ends abruptly when he's climbing up a rope from a well
where he has discovered the body of the missing girl and the Count shows up and
cuts the rope causing him to fall to his death. Then the girl's father shows
up and demands to know what really happened. Her body is dug up and every
thing looks kosher, except for those mysterious teeth marks on her neck. You
know, as much time as these stupid Karnsteins spend in trying to cover up the
murders you would think they could do a little better than saying everyone died
from a heart attack, even though they all have these distinctly vampiric
puncture wounds on their necks. Finally a mob is assembled at the inn and once
the bishop arrives from the Church, everyone lights their torches and heads off
to the castle. The bishop is telling everyone that the Karnsteins can only be
killed by a stake through the heart or by decapitation, so the villagers
immediately set the castle on fire and wait for it to burn down. Lestrange
runs in after his jailbait-vampire-girlfriend and watches as she takes a
burning chunk of wood in the heart. Lestrange is rescued by the father of the
murdered girl and ends up in the arms of Miss Playfair, who apparently is his
consolation babe. I'm not sure what the point of all this was, other than to
try and capitalize on the success of The Vampire Lovers. Very little of any interest actually happens during the film. The vampires
show up, kill a few people and are destroyed. There isn't any real villain for
the hero (I suppose that would be Lestrange) to play off of. The Count is
barely in it and only shows up to play doctor. He doesn't ever have any
encounter with Lestrange. It's also hard to think of this as one of those
star-crossed lovers type deals because you're never convinced that what
Lestrange feels for Mircalla is anything beyond the titular lust. If he felt
that for her because of her vampire super powers than there's even less reason
to care about their "relationship" (which was actually a one night stand with
really bad mood music). The whole girls' school angle is idiotic and out of
place with the rest of the village (why would you start a girls' school there?
Why would you send your kid there?) and exists solely to make the movie sound
more exploitative than it really was. After viewing this movie, I think it's
far to say that we know why Yutte went MIA and then found religion and I think
we can agree with director Jimmy Sangster who said that when he and Ralph Bates
saw the movie and the scene with the "Strange Love" song came on that they
slinked down in their seats and that he "had never been so embarrassed in my
life when that song came on!" Sangster spoke some more about it and was quoted
in Hammer Horror Collectors Special Magazine (A British magazine published about late 1994 that has pretty good info
on all the Hammer Films) as saying this about the film: "I hated the film,
hated it!" Testify brother!
Reviews © 2004
MonsterHunter
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