Barbarella (1968)
Jane Fonda plays sexy "astronavigatrex" Barbarella in this sci-fi sex romp. This is one of those movies where it sounds better than it's actually executed. The story (such as it is) involves Barbarella going to the planet Lythonian to bring back Earth scientist Duran Duran (that name seems familiar) from the Black Queen. She needs to do this because Duran invented something called the positronic ray which erases people and puts them into the fourth dimension never to be seen again.
Barbarella is drafted for this job, because she's the best astronavigatrex there is and because the presidential band is busy. What follows are Hanoi Jane's sexy misadventures that don't involve her turning traitor on her country while it's at war with the Commies. This movie is obviously a fantasy.
You know you're in for a special kind of movie when it starts with Barbarella doing a zero-g strip tease. At the same time, what possibly is the cheesiest theme song of all time starts to play. The music sounds like the stuff they use to play The Newlywed Game out to commercial with. Then the guy starts in with his lyrics. He utters the immortal phrase, "Barbarella psychedella". Tres mod!.
Then the movie's stupidity kicks into hyperdrive. First we have to sit through a heinous doll attack on Barbarella Psychedella. See, she crash lands on this ice world and these two little brats show up and hit her in the face with a loaded snowball. Then the dolls attack!
There's all these stupid looking dolls with metal teeth and their mouths go up and down and scary music plays as the begin their horrific assault. My heart was bleeding for Barbie as a perfectly good pair of fishnet stockings were ruined by all these tiny teeth marks. The whole time I'm thinking, "where's that Chucky fellow?" and wishing he'd show those dolls what a killer doll is supposed to be.
Finally the doll attack subsides and Barbie is rescued by a real hairy guy that she rewards by screwing in the old fashioned way. You see, in the 40th century they use pills and touch hands instead of bumping uglies. Of course, Barbarella enjoys the old-fashioned way and spends the rest of the movie trying to get more of it when she's not in some crazy scrape.
This was made during the whole free love era and I suppose that Barbarella is some type of role model for that time. Does she represent the liberated new woman who is in charge of all aspects of her life including her sex life? Or is she just a ho? Some would claim the later, but I think she's achieved what many would benefit from. She has no hangups and is able to enjoy sex as a recreational activity. She does it because she wants to and it makes her feel good.
In fact, it's this very liberation that allows her to defeat one of the villains at the end of the film when she is forced to endure the "Excess Machine." Designed to give you pleasure until you die from it, Barbarella just shorts out the damn thing with her enthusiasm. And this healthy appetite for pleasure isn't seen as something dirty or base. She survives the destruction of the city because her innocence protects her from the killer river that is swallowing the city. Her love of love is seen as a more potent power than the anger that drives the river.
The rest of the characters in this movie are poorly drawn idiots. She meets a blind angel who is unfortunately named Pygar. This results in the audience having to sit through a lot of scenes of really fake flying while Fonda yells "Pygar!" over and over. Pygar also speeds most of the movie getting captured by bad guys and generally looking like a sissy. Put a shirt on, Pygar! We are also subjected to a rebel leader named Dildano who is supposed to be some sort of comic relief, but comes off as an annoying boob. Get a decent haircut, Dildano! I will not give away the big secret about Duran Duran, but don't think it's anything so good you should watch this movie for it.
The star of this movie is really Fonda's wardrobe. She parades about in a succession of impossibly contoured space suits with see-through chest plates, thigh high boots, capes, gloves, and at one point a long fuzzy tail. I've always wondered what Fonda thinks of that movie now, if she regretted all that sex-kitten stuff or not. I'm pretty sure she regretted the design of the interior of her spaceship. The yellow shag carpet walls are just a bit much and the Plexiglass bed she slept on with the camera leering underneath it as she squirmed around trying to get some shut-eye almost made me look away in embarrassment. Almost.