 |
 They claim that this is an "engaging story" about some true love that has made
it through centuries and also about the curse that haunts these lovers.
Princess Ananka and "lowly commoner" Kharis loved each other and swore to love
another ever after, but their love was "forbidden" and she died, cursed.
Kharis was buried with her and he was given a potion for eternal life. John
Caradine is the newest high priest and he goes to America to find the
reincarnation of Anaka. Kharis and the high priest fall for the same woman.
Kharis ends up with the girl and takes her to a "swampy haven where the mystery
of the ageless romance is revealed." They say that the movie monsters
are "well represented by Lon Channey, Jr.'s famous mummy. They end the hype
by asserting that this movie "unearths some hope for romantics everywhere with
its surprising finale!" 1944, 61 minutes, VHS
As you can probably guess, the burning up of Kharis at the end of The Mummy's Tomb did not finish the job. In 1944 Universal cranked out another cruddy tale
about that pile of rags you and I know as the Mummy. By this time, they had
these films down to a science. In fact, Universal was so efficient at churning
these out that the running time on this one and the next one was a mere 61
minutes. It's almost like you're watching a TV special instead of a movie.
This was the fourth Mummy movie I watched and I was suffering Mummy burnout by
this time. Everything seemed to be a retread of the previous films, and the
parts that were different just plain reeked. It all starts in Kharis' ancient
Egyptian tomb. The high priest from the last movie apparently didn't die like
we were led to believe. Why? Because he was dying at the beginning of this
one, too. This time he's snookered John Caradine into taking on the mission to
head off to America to layeth the smacketh down on some infidels or other. We
knew that Caradine was supposed to be Egyptian because he had a nice tan and
spoke with a deep slow voice. The high priest immediately launches into the
flashback that we've all seen a million times by now. The whole Kharis/Anaka
forbidden love thing. God, give it a rest. Those two losers have had their
chances. Let's bring out a new mummy, like one who doesn't get beat by a
bunch of American hicks in every movie. So the medallion is handed over to
Caradine and he takes off for the U.S. to find Kharis and get him rampaging
again. Are you excited yet? Then we cut to a classroom scene where this professor is droning on and on
about the mummy problems that Mapleton, Massachusetts has experienced in the
past. At this point, I had my own flashback to my college days and had an urge
to pull out the USA Today and check the lottery numbers from across the country
just like I used to when I sat through lectures at my own school. I didn't
have a paper handy so I just laid my head down on the couch and let it loll to
the side with the television blaring. I did notice even though I was mostly
comatose that all these kids at Mapleton U or whatever this fake college was
called looked like they were my dad's age. You had guys that looked like they
were in their late thirties sitting attentively while this dried up prune of a
windbag prattled on and on. Naturally, one of these fuddy-duddies is our
protagonist, a guy with a name that escapes me at the moment. He has a
girlfriend who's name is Amina or something and she's part Egyptian. When I
heard that, my eyes glazed over. You could tell she was part Egyptian because
she wore dark eye shadow. She must've been right off the boat if she was dumb
enough to be dating this dude who was still in college when most men are having
prostate trouble. Also, I'm not positive, because he was always wearing these
ugly sweaters, but I'm fairly sure that he had his pants hiked up to his
nipples. That's what old people do, you know.  Shortly thereafter, this professor guy is farting around trying to translate
some stuff regarding Kharis and the tana leaves and he figures out you need to
burn nine of them for some reason. Well, he does, and I'm assuming he didn't
realize what that would do because Kharis gets of whiff of the tana leaves
burning and he shambles out from whatever rock in Mapleton he's been hiding
under and pays a visit to the professor. Next thing you know, the professor is
laying dead in his house with this mysterious mold on his neck. Kharis
hightails it out of there and then meets up with John Caradine, who has finally
made across the ocean to boss around Kharis. I'm assuming that Kharis'
bandages must have been treated with asbestos or something because even though
he has been burned to death twice, he doesn't have so much as a singed pinkie.
Also where has he been all those years? He's obviously been nearby since he
came running when someone finally whipped a batch of the tana leaves. At some
point, there's so many obvious questions and plot holes, you don't even care.
I mean, if the filmmakers don't care enough in the first place to iron these
things, why should I care about their stinky motion picture at all? At least
this time the good citizens of Mapleton are smart enough to blame the Mummy
right off the bat. Of course, this being an hour long movie, they really
couldn't dawdle. A mob is immediately assembled and they come up with a plan to defeat the Mummy.
Basically it goes like this: They are going to dig a hole in the back yard of
the professor's house and then brew up some tana tea. When the Mummy shows up,
they will trick him into leaving through the back door like he did after offing
the professor. Then he will fall into the pit and be trapped. At that time,
they will come up with something to kill off the Mummy once and for all. I
don't suppose you really have to sit through all sixty-one minutes of this
foul-smelling stew to know that there will not be that moment when Hannibal
Smith exclaims "I love it when a plan comes together!" I've got an idea! How
about when they get the Mummy trapped in their little pit, they burn him up! I
mean, that's failed two other times. Maybe this time it will take. While all
this Mummy business is going on, Amina and her boyfriend are having
relationship problems. She keeps feeling cold and she sees shadows and she is
found unconscious near the dead professor's home with a streak of white in her
hair. Caradine and the Mummy are having some kind of impact on her and she
keeps whining about it. The boyfriend's solution is that they should go to New
York to meet "his people." I guess that's how he refers to his family, if that
gives you an idea of the pretty boy we're dealing with. Oh, that and he has
this little stupid dog that yelps all the time and is named "Peanuts."
Whenever he barks, the boyfriend says something like, " I guess it's
unanimous!" I was hoping that the Wolf Man, The Creature, Dracula, and
Frankenstein's Monster would appear and just slap that Mummy around and tell
him to start picking better parts for himself. Jesus!  Somehow or other the Mummy kidnaps Ameena and takes her to his tower-like
hideout outside of town. Are those places listed or something? How do you
just show up in Mapleton, MS from Egypt and rent a fabulous hideout? The dog
and the boyfriend and the mob are all chasing Kharis who ain't exactly hell on
wheels if you know what I mean. I'm not sure, but I seem to recall that the
plan was to kill Amina and that somehow by doing that, Ananka and Kharis would
be reunited. That all changes once Caradine gets a load of Amina. He starts
hearing voices telling him that he should nail her and screw Kharis. Caradine
decides that yes it would be best if he took Amina for his own bride and leave
Kharis as the odd man out. Kharis is standing outside the door and hears all
this and is not amused that Caradine is trying to play him. Next thing I know,
Caradine is trying to sell to Kharis that he meant all three of them would go
back to Egypt and then Caradine somehow gets tossed out the window to his
unfortunate demise. The Mummy steals Amina, who is getting older all the
time. He takes her to the swamp with the mob in hot pursuit and then walks
into the swamp where they both presumably drown as the mob watches. I guess
they were probably thinking that some other mob was going to save her. This
dismal movie is highlighted only by the mildly surprising ending. Surprising
that the Mummy didn't end up burned or something. Otherwise, it was a total
loss. I'm assuming that Kharis saw the daily rushes on this picture and
improvised the ending as a way to get out of making the rest of this mess. Do
you know what the best part of this whole thing was? That this was just the
first of two Kharis movies that Universal released in 1944! I'm guessing it
was all some plot by Hitler to demoralize us.
Reviews © 2004
MonsterHunter
|
|
