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 Robin Hood and his pal Little John "hatch one exciting adventure after another to outfox" Prince John in this "magical movie for kids of all ages!" 1973, 83 minutes, DVD
This movie made my stomach hurt. Two different times. The first time was right when it started and that horrid hillbilly theme song, "Oo-de-lally" was being sung and the credits blandly ran through the entire cast and what part they were playing. As the minutes ticked by (this was an uncommonly long and quite leisurely opening for a cartoon aimed squarely at kids jacked up on sugar covered cereal), it felt like someone was standing on my chest and squeezing the very life out of me. It seemed to me that after having survived innumerable jungle cannibal films and the occasional anime bunker buster, that it would be quite ironic if an 83 minute cartoon of a fox dressed as an archer harassing a lion dressed as king would be the death of me. After all, if such a film didn't exist, I'd be wishing that it did.
So how was it then, that this Disney un-classic from 1973 resulted in my entire life flashing before my eyes as I gasped and wheezed and pleaded for someone to help me breathe, despite knowing that my entire existence is merely one of lonely self-pity? How was it that the smooth voice of Roger Miller accompanied merely by the twanging of a lone guitar made me wish that I had settled accounts with my loved ones and at least left them with my forgiveness for all the sticking it up my butt that they've gone and done for no real good reason? How was it, that it would be this animated version of Robin Hood from Walt Disney, rather than the hideously miscast live action version (The Story Of Robin Hood) from Disney back in the 1950s that would make me contemplate the existence of a heaven where good kids (like myself) would go and not have to die all broken down and alone at the hands of some half-thought out cartoon that no one ever remembers anything about except that it was the cartoon between The Aristocats and whatever cartoon came after it?
It got so bad that I actually had to stop the movie, go into the kitchen and pour myself a medium size bowl of Cocoa Pebbles. That's quite a departure for me, what with my well-documented eating disorder (and by well-documented, I mean, that I whine unceasingly about it). I don't know if it was the sweet caress of chocolate flavored rice puffs coating my barren gut or just the fact these ugly opening credits and its ugly theme song had finally ended, but my stomach recovered enough that I was able to watch the first half of the movie without incident (unless you count being bored by the below average animation, the story that had more than its share of cutesy animal filler, and the absence of anything resembling a personality from Robin Hood).
The second time my stomach attempted a coup-de-tat on me was sometime during the second half of the film. Due to the excruciating pain (I knew that not even Fred Flintstone's cereal of choice could alleviate these pains - and in fact a bowl of Oreo cereal I stupidly attempted to use to medicate these problems actually sat in my throat like some bulimic's binge brunch just before go time) I cannot pinpoint with any accuracy what exactly triggered this reaction I am now calling "Disney Reflux Disease." It is safe to say though that my DRD was in no way helped by the love song sung by some broad who sounded like Bjork on downers that played over the moonlit waterfall that Robin Hood and Maid Marion hung out at during the film's sole "quiet moment."
Obviously I am made of pretty stern stuff because I here today to tell the tale, but I ain't going to sit here and say that I escaped unscathed. This is one of those matches where you come out of knowing that your career has probably been shortened and that even though the two stomach concussions inflicted on me by this movie won't disable me, I'll be more susceptible to injury down the line and will need longer to recover each time. I'm not complaining and I sure as heck ain't hanging it up, because I knew the risks when I took this gig. I know full well that I'm sacrificing my health in the future for glory right now. Oh well, I've had a good life. No, maybe I'm thinking of Russell Crowe. Yeah, he was the one the great life. I'm the one with mental problems, emotional hang ups, abandonment issues, a dead end job, and thinning hair (that's the one that gets me the most!). Dang it.
I'm sure most of you are familiar with the story of Robin Hood, especially since Costner made a movie about it several years ago and that's how we all learned about JFK's death and that magic cornfield, so the story the movie endeavors to tell is vaguely familiar. Good King Richard is off at the Crusades and his evil brother John has assumed the throne in his absence. In this version of things Rich left for the Crusades after being hypnotized by John's right hand man, Sir Hiss, who happens to be snake. I don't remember if it was Christian Slater or Morgan Freeman who played the superpowered snake in the Costner movie, but I was probably in the lobby with stomach problems after hearing that Bryan Adams song.
Country music legend (a label that's more an indictment than one of respect) Roger Miller provides the voice (or "pipes" as we say in the Nashville music biz) for the narrator, Alan-A-Dale, the wandering minstrel who torments everyone with really obnoxious hit songs like "Oo-de-lally" when he isn't giving us the "on the other side of Hazzard County" interludes that explain absolutely nothing. Alan-A-Dale is depicted here as a rooster which causes the viewer to make an unfortunate comparison to the more recent atom bomb, Rock-A-Doodle about singing rooster. Don Bluth, who worked on Robin Hood, directed that one and makes you wonder what's up with a guy that would use Alan-A-Dale from this movie as an inspiration for another film. It's not healthy to be that obsessed with singing roosters.
Apparently we get in on the action long after Robin has formed his band of Merry Men since the first bit of business involves Robin and Little John dressing up as women fortune tellers to rob Prince John as he and his coach travel through Sherwood Forest. How come when a guy has to go into disguise, it always involves granny panties, lipstick, and falsies? Whatever happened to a pair of glasses and a fake beard? This particular operation (like all of Robin Hood's schemes in this film) is pretty forgettable and run of the mill and leads to the people of Nottingham getting taxed even more heavily than before. (Thanks Robin. Hope you at least had fun wearing heels.)
What follows is perhaps the worst sequence (after the beginning, the ending, and the one with Robin and Marion's love theme) where these little animals are playing and lose their ball or shuttlecock or whatever it is that 13th century talking British animals played with and they have to go on the grounds of Prince John's castle to retrieve it. They run into Marion and her attendant Klucky (a fat chicken or "fat chick" in today's parlance) and the talk soon turns to love and Robin Hood. Marion and one of the little rabbits the idolizes Robin play act like they're a couple and - I can't continue or I'll dry heave all over the keyboard. Let's just skip to the big archery tournament.
I didn't really hate the tournament as much as I did most of the rest of the movie, but that only lasted until the end of it when it degenerated into one of those deals where all the characters are running after and into one another while background music that sounded like surf music played. I thought it was Alan-A-Dale, not Dick Dale! And even when I despise a movie like I did this one, I'm a big enough fellow to give it credit for what it got right so I can honestly say that it was quite refreshing that when Robin went undercover this time, he kept the leather bustier in the closet and showed up disguised as a stork!
All of this left Prince John a bit peeved and it wasn't long before Friar Tuck got himself imprisoned for high treason by the Sheriff and is scheduled to be executed at dawn. Of course all this happened after we had to gag on a scene involving some little bitty mice giving their last farthing to Friar Tuck's church. I sat there dumbfounded as it all unfolded. What the hell is a farthing? The larval stage of a mouse?
Robin hits the streets as a blind beggar to get the lowdown on this and eventually re-hits the streets as a vulture guard, while Little John disguises himself as the Sheriff (now, those disguises actually make some sense) and proceed to bust not only Friar Tuck out of prison, but the entire population of Nottingham! Seems that they had all been locked up after they couldn't meet their ever increasing tax burden. I think that was the least Robin could do, since it was always his smart-aleck doings that embarrassed the Prince and the Sheriff into raising taxes.
Perhaps realizing the reekiness of this movie, Disney then wrapped things up really fast and the next thing you know Robin and Marion are married and all the bad guys are breaking rocks in their prison stripes, King Richard having returned to reclaim his throne. This was a very trying time for the people of England, but more so for the people of home video who paid more than a farthing to sit through this.
A rotten script that never developed Robin beyond a fox in a green hat and that relegated Marion to about two scenes, while spending entirely too much time with the big lummox Baloo the Bear, I mean Little John, completely scuttled this version of Robin Hood. The script also presented us with a story that felt like episodes of a continuing series (can you imagine the horror?) with Robin Hood constantly outsmarting the bad guys followed by the bad guys taking it out on the townspeople. Almost completely absent was Robin and his Merry Men kicking it in the forest. Where were the scenes showing us why Robin inspired loyalty? Why he was a great leader and a lovable rogue? Why Marion loved him? And where was Will Scarlet? I love that guy!
You know, it's been about a billion years since Errol Flynn owned the role of Robin Hood back in the Triassic Era, but no one has ever come close to capturing the essence of what the story demands of the character: he needs to be dangerous and tough enough to live on the run and tempt the wraith of the British military, but likeable enough to be a folk hero that regular folks don't fear. I think Disney should just give up on trying to make a kid-friendly Robin Hood movie, mainly because Flynn's version still fills the bill. There's plenty of action, color and funny moments and it never gets too heavy or slow so that kids will get bored. In contrast, this DVD probably isn't even safe to have in your home because one of the "bonus features" involves a sing-along with that "Oo-de-lally" and there's always a chance that your kid will accidentally activate it and well, remember, punch a pillow or a wall, but never punch a child.
Reviews © 2004
MonsterHunter
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