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 World champion wrestler Superargo accidentally kills his buddy in a match,
quits wrestling and becomes a secret agent. His first mission is to stop
Diabolicus' diabolical scheme for taking over the world with fake gold. 1967, 84 minutes, Widescreen DVD
Sometimes the Italians get a bad rap when it comes to the inordinate amount of
sucky movies they have churned out in their time. I'm generally not one to
condemn an entire movie industry based on the few hundred bad horror,
gladiator, science fiction, slasher, lost ark rip-offs, and zombie movies I've
seen, but I think it's safe to say that the Italian film industry is an
exception to that open-minded policy and probably could be written off as 100%
crap. I say "probably could" because just when you think you
suffered through your last Fulci movie, just when it appears that there's no
way you'll stomach another jungle cannibal movie, just as you've vowed that the
only thing remotely Italian related to movies that you'll have anything to do
with is the type
of salad dressing you'll enjoy at your dinner before going to sturdy American
fare like Legally Blonde 2, Superargo karate chops his way into your life to
save the day! Even though I never deciphered what a Superargo was, I marvelled
at both the genius of the idea as well as the flawless execution of it. What
if you were to take a masked wrestler who was the very best at what he does
(wrestle and stuff) and make him a secret agent? And what if he had to foil a
madman bent on world domination? And what if this wrestler had to take on an
entire island lair of henchmen to save his girlfriend before the madman can
blow the island up and escape in his rocket? And what if this wrestler was the
heavyweight champion of the world? And would defeating this madman and causing
his
secret hideout to not only explode, but to sink straightaway into the sea count
as one of his mandatory title defenses or would he still have to face Kurt
Angle at Summerslam?  That a movie can even raise such questions renders any further review of it as
pointless because such a thought provoking assortment of queries are only
reserved for the very finest in masked-wrestler cinema and I can offer no
higher recommendation than to say that Superargo wears his bright red costume
(nicely accented with black briefs, boots, belt, gloves and facemask)
throughout the
entire duration of the film, even while pouring his old lady a drink back at
his bachelor pad. Say goodbye to all the other wrestling superheroes! Santo?
Hit the Stacker 2 porky! Blue Demon? Sure you starred in twenty-five flicks,
but I ain't never heard of you so you may as well have starred in none! (Though
you may bear some looking into since once you croaked in real life, you were
buried with your mask on. That shows me something. Like you were nucking futs
or as the say in Mexican: El nucking futso!) Neutron? I only mentioned you
because I needed three masked wrestlers to trash. Now hit the bricks! Right
off the bat, one of the things I appreciated about Superargo as a masked
wrestler is that his costume covered up just about every inch of skin. I'm all
for guys in tight brightly colored outfits grappling with one another, but I
like the ladies so I always feel a tad queasy when these costumes the wrestlers
sometimes wear look like panties or something. This doesn't leave much to my
imagination and unfortunately I can't trust my imagination not to gross me out,
so not being pretty much buck naked is definitely a plus. Also, how am I
supposed to
believe that these guys can maintain any kind of hold on one another if they're
all
slicked up with baby oil or sweat or whatever? I also liked the fact that
Superargo chose a dark color for his trunks which helps to minimize unsightly
bulges. (Memo to self: throw away dark colored trunks pronto.)  This movie manages to hit all the right notes from the very beginning when
Superargo is involved in title match against best friend El Tigro all the way
to when the bad guy is alternately trying to freeze him and fry him. The
ninety-three minutes they claimed this movie ran on the back of this Italian
DVD flew by like the 84
minutes it really was. When the movie started and we were treated to this big
showdown between Superargo and El Tigro I was thinking that more movies would
benefit by easing us into the plot with a heavyweight bout. Since this was
more of a James Bond movie than a wrestling pay-per-view, Superargo and El
Tigro weren't really pulling out all the stops. Sure there was some mat
wrestling and Superargo seemed overly fond of the head scissors, but where
were the ring entrances and the theme songs? Where were the pre-match promos
promising total devastation? Where was the referee bumping and the outside
interference by Ric Flair and Triple H? No matter. I'm still giving the match
four stars because of the finish: El Tigro was put in the bow and arrow and
catapulted through the ropes and outside onto the concrete below where he
cracked his
baby skull and died. Superargo is all broke up over this, quits the business,
and goes into a lengthy (less than three minutes movie time) depression, though
strangely he keeps his costume on even as he's threatening to never wrestle
again. I don't know what he's feeling guilty about. If El Tigro didn't know
how to take a bump properly, he should've never been in the biz. Doesn't he
watch Tough Enough on MTV? Luckily Superargo's only true buddy (now that he killed his
other one) is the head of some secret service or other. Superargo served under
him during the war, but is too proud to go to his pal and ask him for advice.
So his pal comes to him and offers him a job as a secret agent to break up some
operation that's been hijacking uranium shipments in the ocean. That's just
what I would have done for a friend who seemed kind of down!  Superargo takes the job and his pal stabs him in front of the rest of the
secret service as a way to begin the demonstration of his super powers. Argo
isn't hurt because he's got this special blood that coagulates instantly, but
that's not all this guy has in his tights! They put him through a battery of
tests that show us how he can hold his breath for seven minutes (always good to
have if you're in a match with Rikishi and he gives you the Stinkface), how he
can handle being all frozen, and how he's able to absorb a great deal of
physical stress because he's got great metaphysical equilibrium (I'm still not
sure I'd trade my chiseled good looks for that). Next up is a visit to the labs
where Q, I mean his buddy from the war, gives him all his special gear to go out
and hunt down Diabolicus. You've got your souped up car, your bulletproof
Superargo costume (which his buddy promptly tests out by shooting him several
times - "It was just a .45, old chum!"), broach with hidden camera, player
piano which acts as two way radio and the fake olives that are really miniature
Geiger counters. Fake olives? These suckers even came complete with
toothpicks! They were to be used to detect the presence of uranium,
presumably to make double sure that Diabolicus hadn't spiked Superargo's
martinis or something. As ridiculous as the idea of the fake olives is, the
actual execution of the idea is even better because there's Superargo out in
his rubber raft on the ocean chucking his fake olives into the water and
checking his instruments to get a fix on where the uranium was. If you were
going to be throwing the olives into the ocean, why would they need to be
olives? Wouldn't someone be more suspicious of these objects since olives with
toothpicks don't naturally occur in the ocean? The joke was on me though,
because it worked and led Superargo right to Diabolicus' island getaway. Superargo ends up crashing this guy's place two separate times. The first time
he gets caught and tries to claim that he was just a tourist who got curious
about the island. I think that it's at moments like that that maybe
Superargo's costume becomes a bit of a hindrance. Diabolicus shows us that he
isn't a fool and rejects this lame excuse of Superargo's and tells him that he
is going to kill him. Superargo pulls the old classic "well, since I'm going
to die and not be able to tell anyone, why don't you clue me into your plans
for world domination." Diabolicus agrees and says that it will be the last
thing he hears so Superargo responds, "well, I hope that it's lengthy and
interesting then." Is there anyway that I'm not going to buy Superargo And The
Faceless Giants after this? Argo escapes, his girlfriend gets kidnapped and he
returns to rescue her. This involves him taking an axe to the mercury vapor
tubes that Diabolicus is using to make gold or something and results in a bunch
of mercury represented by silver super balls, bouncing out all over the place
and killing the hapless guards. Superargo gets his lady off the island just
before the air force arrives to bomb Diabolicus into submission even as
Diabolicus has set the base to self-destruct (this thing is going up one way or
the other). To add insult to injury, Superargo races up the mountainside and
closes the gigantic hangar
doors to the escape rocket by hand, causing Diabolicus to be done in when
everything blows up. This is the way masked wrestler/secret agent movies were
meant to be done and you'll sit there enraptured and/or stunned as one
stupefying moment after another plays out before your disbelieving eyes.
Superargo is rarely at a loss of what tact to take in any given situation,
whether it be jumping off a bridge and playing possum on the ground below or
getting his face whipped with a riding crop by Diabolicus' girlfriend. You
never do get to see his face which only adds to his mystery and makes you
think that he could be anyone: your
neighbor, your boss, or even your dad! Wouldn't that be way cool? Even at the
end
of the movie as the credits roll, Superargo is such a showman that he just
stands there staring at you and making faces (it may have supposed to have been
a
smile, but it kind of came off as a cross between a snarl and that face you
make when you're nervous and aren't sure what you're supposed to do next). Do I
even have to tell you to move to Italy so that you can watch this on the
anamorphic Pal DVD it's only available on? Bring on those Faceless Giants!
And God bless El Tigro.
Reviews © 2004
MonsterHunter
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