Torch Song
(1953)
I'm assuming that there was a time when Joan Crawford didn't resemble the cartoonish hag that Faye Dunaway portrayed
her as in Mommie Dearest. By the time Torch Song was made however, that time had sadly passed. You see, as I watched this, I couldn't help but think that this was kind of like the prequel to that erstwhile biopic of 25 years later or
so. Here you had Miss Joan portraying a Broadway star that acts like a complete jackass, is obviously insecure about herself and has this weird relationship with her mother that at times seemed very destructive and at other times seemed to help her
a great deal. You also had the distinct pleasure of Joan overacting in each and every scene, her giant eyes and big snarling lips competing with her day-glo hair to see which would be more annoying to the viewer. She also liked to show her
forty-something year old legs off at every opportunity. Thanks granny. As I watched this movie, I felt like I was watching her play herself. Obviously I know what kind of person she really was in real life, because I did watch part of Mommie
Dearest about five years ago. The movie itself makes you wonder what MGM was thinking when they brought back her from her exile at Warner Brothers to do this movie. It is as unpleasant and gaudy as the make up Joan wore (even to bed!) in this
film. I know that she's supposed to be set up as this self-centered jerk and that she supposedly learns to be a better person from a blind guy, but her conversion to loving person was so fast and unexplained it just rang as false as the wigs Joan
periodically donned.  The film begins as Joan is rehearsing for another big show that her character, Jenny Stewart, is going to be starring in. Jenny is a Broadway star who
still packs 'em in on that Great White Way, but she's a holy terror to everyone she works with. She constantly yells and screams and criticizes everyone around her and refuses to accept any criticism of her own work. This is illustrated by this
dance number she's working on with a dancer (played by the director!). They keep screwing it up and Jenny is hollering at the guy in charge of the show (Harry Morgan of Dragnet and MASH fame) that this male dancer needs to get it right
because he keeps getting tangled up in her forty-something leg. Harry Morgan suggest that maybe she should move her leg in a little to help the guy out and Jenny flashes this nasty look and booms out something to the effect that everyone is paying to
see that leg and he'll have find a way to get around it! Whoa! What's the name of that show she's working on? The Old Lady Leg Revue? She also finds a way to harass the pianist that's arranging the songs, constantly reworking them and having
the guy learn all the new stuff she wants to put in each and every (awful) number. Eventually this guy gets fed up and quits on her. He's replaced by this very noble blind guy who has this ugly seeing eye dog named Duchess. Duchess doesn't get as much
screen time as any of us would like, so don't get your hopes up that there's much in the way of dog shenanigans. The blind guy is named Tye and he has the patience of a saint. He's also able to remember everything that Jenny demands in the way of
changes and is able to incorporate that into his playing. He's even such a genius that he can make suggestions to her to improve the song and dance numbers (quite impossible if you actually see them in action) that are perfect! It's just like in the
comic books with these blind people. You know how Daredevil went blind but got some pretty sweet powers, well this guy went blind and now he's a musical genius with the patience of Job! We all know that he would be a good catch for Jenny and the
fact that he's blind would help Jenny be an even better person! Look! I used to be a real arse-hole, but I've improved my attitude so much I'm capable of even loving a blind guy!  So Blind Guy pretty much puts her in her place by not really reacting to her temper tantrums and that just infuriates the great Jenny Stewart even more. She wants Tye fired and she wants the old guy back who will just do what she asks and
agree with whatever she says. She certainly doesn't want someone telling her how a number should be done. It makes you wonder how this Jenny got to be such a big star to begin with. I assume that putting on really crappy musical revue shows is a
fairly collaborative business with lyricists, musicians, dance choreographers and costumers having a say. Was she always able to dictate everything or did this happen after she got to be a star? Well, in any event, Jenny takes a moment when no one
is around to try out some of Tye's suggestions. The fact that she was willing to even try them out shows us that she's not as dumb or stubborn as she would have us believe. In spite of that she gets Tye fired and then mopes around a lot because she's
in l-o-v-e!. It's really quite ridiculous to see her stomping around demanding that Tye come back and to have her coming over to his apartment and announce to him that he's been re-hired only because she bet somebody that she could get him to come
back. Meanwhile Jenny's vampire-like family continues to demand things from her like clothing and money, even though it's obvious that Jenny is having personal problems. I thought her family was pretty cool. Even though Jenny is as nasty as a
junkyard dog, there they are asking for money to pay for her sister's music lessons, asking to have some coat of hers, trying to guilt her into renting them a better home. I mean, after all, that's what families are for right? To coast on the success
that you've busted your hump for even while they doubted your abilities and gave you no support other than to ridicule you for trying to chase a dream! You can almost see why Jenny is such an ornery cuss. Throughout the movie we are subjected to
some pretty pathetic song and dance numbers that made me wonder if this isn't like what you'd see if you were ever tricked into watching Kathie Lee Gifford's cabaret act. One unfortunate number had Joan wear this dark wig and had her and the rest of
the dancers in blackface. At least some people have called it blackface. To me it looked a little more like they had put too much bronzer on like in some of those gladiator movies starring various half-naked Italian men. Now, at some point during
the movie, Jenny finally realizes why she and Tye fight all the time. It's because they are in love even though he's blind. Just so we don't think he's any less of a man, we are told he was blinded in the War. If he had been blind since birth, well, I
don't think I have to tell you about those kind of blind people. She has a pow-wow with her money-grubbing mom one night who is obviously just biding her time before she asks Jenny to buy her a new HDTV for the living room. Jenny says she's got man
trouble so ma hauls out the scrap book and locates a review that uses a phrase (gypsy-madonna) that Tye had just used in a conversation with Jenny earlier. What's this? The review was written by a guy named Tye? And it was written before the war
when he could see the lovely and talented Jenny? And it says that Jenny is the greatest thing since the Booty-Mix Volume I CD? Hey, I guess ole Tye is okay after all, because it turns out that he has basically been stalking her the whole movie (he paid
off the old pianist to go to Cuba so that he could be with Jenny!). Jenny is bound and determined to win her man back even if she has to beat his blind ass!  Jenny and Tye
have a final confrontation at his apartment once Jenny scares off the skank that's been hanging around him even though Tye keeps telling this wannabe that he has eyes (hahaha) only for Jenny Stewart. Jenny basically harasses him so much that he finally
breaks and plays a lot of really low notes on the piano and then stumbles through his apartment until he trips over his dog or something and bumps his head. At this point I thought that the bump had caused him either to regain his sight (that always
works on my soap opera) or caused him to wake up and realize his infatuation with Joan Crawford had all been a horrible nightmare a la The Wizard of Oz. The movie showed little creatively and refused to steal either one of these premises and the
fall resulted only in Tye rubbing his head and saying "owie." At this point they hug and we all live happily ever after (except for some of Joan's kids, but that's their problem not ours). I've heard that Crawford was embarrassed by Trog, but
I would think this is more embarrassing. I mean, no one could have signed on to Trog thinking it would be anything other than pimping yourself out for a paycheck, whereas in this movie, they probably thought it was a real special story of one
woman's battle to reclaim her humanity and to learn to love herself and others (even blind guys!). The problem is that Crawford is so unbelievable and over the top in her portrayal of this woman that you just sit back and wonder what this Tye
character could have ever thought was decent and worth loving in her. I mean, why go to all that trouble with her? Because she can sing and dance? That would really come in handy when they're fighting (like you know they would). Nothing really rings
true about Jenny Stewart and it all resembles so much grandstanding by Ms. Crawford. Look at me scream! Look at me scowl! Look at me put down blind people! If you're watching this hoping for musical numbers you're screwed as well. There aren't
hardly any full blown numbers and the one or two (maybe only one) there are just make your bowels lurch. I don't think you'll be humming that song called, um, or that other one called, let's see there was, well, I do remember Joan in blackface and
singing something about being a two-faced woman. I also object to the noble blind guy character just on principle. I really can't stand it when the movies tell us a character has finally been redeemed and is a good person because they learned to
love a "freak." That's how this movie treats this character. I mean there's no other reason why he's blind except to contrast his goodness (because he's able to go through life bearing that cross) with her suckiness. If they wanted to have a character
who happened to be blind, fine. Then don't play it up every chance you get. Or if you want to show me that blind people act just like everyone else, that's good too, but I don't need to see these all-wise, saintly handicapped types running around
everywhere so that our "star" can be rehabbed by them. One final point is that the movie is in color and in 1953 that meant showing off by having everything you can imagine in gaudy colors, from Joan's lemon yellow robe, to green walls, to these
weird blue suits the guys wore. It just added to the entire artificial and tacky flavor of the proceedings. Artificial and tacky. Hmmm. Not a bad way to sum up the movie and Crawford's "performance."
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