Voices From Beyond (1990) This second-to-last movie from Lucio Fulci is easily the second-to-worst Lucio
Fulci movie. That of course begs the question that has dogged MonsterHunter
since its inception back in 1936 - what exactly is the worst Fulci movie of all
time? It is impossible to answer that question at this juncture since we still
haven't seen all of his movies yet, but already there are an impressive number
of candidates ranging from movies of his "early classic" period like Manhattan Baby and The Black Cat to a virtual stampede of films from his "modern classic" period including Sodoma's Ghost, Demonia, Touch Of Death, and Aenigma. Okay, there was a snail attack in Aenigma, so it probably really isn't in the running, but there was that noxious theme
song...
Voices From Beyond is beyond awful and repeatedly threatened to plunge me into a catatonic state,
but it was so inconsequentially bad that there wasn't any way to justify
lumping it into "Worst Fulci Ever" territory. You see, at least in most of his
standard bad movies, there was always the combination of a really bad idea
combined with bad camera work and incompetent gore scenes. Heck, in his later
movies, Lucio looked like he couldn't even get the funding to use regular film
cameras, giving his movies the grainy and sometimes out of focus look one would
expect from those videos of cops beating down a motorist who had the temerity
to ask why he was being stopped. Voices From Beyond sometimes seems to sport competent camera work, or at least contained shots
that didn't leap out at you as being the work of a disinterested chimp. I
remember thinking in one scene where the camera sweeps around from one part of
the room to another that Fulci probably mustered all of his waning strength to
get at least one shot in the movie that wouldn't humiliate his descendents. Of
course there was still that scene where the heroine's mom walked in on her
while she was topless and they just chit chatted with one another while she got
dressed, but I think these people were European so it was probably okay.  My first mistake with this movie (after buying it and opening it up that is)
was that I actually read the back of the DVD box and relied on the boxcopy in
my viewing of the film. They said that this was some type of ghost story and
that I should turn down the lights and curl up tight because there were these
voices from beyond and they might even be babbling in my ear!
So I shut off the lights, laid down on my couch under my reversible Winnie the
Pooh comforter and settled in for a good old fashioned spook story where doors
would creak, houses would groan, and maggots would storm (remember, this was a
Lucio Fulci ghost story after all). Big mistake, or as they say in Italy, la
grande botcharoonie. It wasn't more than fifteen minutes into things that I
began drifting off, far, far away from all the ugly Italians that populated
this movie. Twenty-five minutes into this movie and eight hours before my regular bed time,
I felt like I was going to Rip Van Winkle right then and there. Only the
petrifying terror that if I gave into the somnambulant urges that were wracking
my weak constitution, I would have to sit through the opening act of this movie
at some point in the future caused me to throw off my comforter, turn all the
lights on and begin cutting myself with a dagger that I keep strapped to my
ankle for just such emergencies, all in an effort to soldier through this one
in a single sitting. I was hoping that Lucio was going out with a little class when this movie
opened since the word "prologue" came up and I had visions of some grizzled old
sailor setting the stage for a tale of some foul deed done long ago and the
resulting modern day ghost seeking revenge. I was a bit surprised then when the
first scene consisted of two naked people humping each other. Holy crap, I
thought! We were going to be haunted by really icky made-for-Italian TV
softcore porn!  Just when I thought that Lucio had turned senile and was being tricked by his
producers who only wanted skin and not that peculiar brand of "art" that Lucio
usually brought to the table, the guy rolls off the girl when he hears her kid
squawking for her in another room and he goes down to this kid's room and stabs
him with some scissors right in his little kid gut over and over! Right away,
we can see that even though the movie will be undoubtedly quite hideous, it
won't be won't be completely devoid of its positive aspects. Bratty kid
whacked? Ten cool points. Slutty mom taught a lesson? Twenty cool points.
Naked guy photographed in shadow so that I don't have to see his wiener?
Priceless!
I think this must have been a dream sequence (surely a dream sequence for any
guy who's ever had his girlfriend's snot-nosed kid interrupt some good loving
with their self-centered mewling), because this little kid was alive the rest
of the movie and turned out to be the instrument in the devious plot that
killed this guy. I was sleeping during most of this first part of the movie,
but what I caught when I was turning my pillow over seemed to be that there was
this rich guy who just died and his family were all really surly and acting
suspiciously. If you're watching a Fulci movie for its gore (and really - can you think of
any other reason you would be watching?) then you better load up on the uppers,
keep the lights on and make sure you don't blink, because the only gore you'll
get in this one is a short little autopsy scene where some guy is taking out
the innards of the dead rich guy (Giorgio) and gives us a play by play where he
talks about stuff like the colon which is kind of scary in its own way. Really
though, when your movie hinges on some dude talking about how he found chunks
of glass in some guy's intestine, you're simply reminding me why I've never
watched ER or C.S.I. Back at the funeral, we're enjoying a nice mixture of memorial service and
flashback. As each grieving relative or mistress approaches the casket to see
Giorgio off to Valhalla, they remember about how crappy Giorgio was to them
when he was alive. Everyone except his daughter Rosy who was away at college
and still loves her father very much and is understandably receptive when she
starts hearing her father's voice telling her that she needs to find out who
killed him. Okay, does anyone see a problem here? This guy was a putz. His family are
greedy and homely asses. Why do I care who killed him? Rosy is an airheaded
moron who listens to the voices of dead people and was also in Demons 6, but is such a loser, she's listed about eighth in the credits. Why should I
care about you? You couldn't even headline Demons 6? That was a horror movie whose soundtrack featured White Lion for crying out
loud!  The bulk of the movie is Rosy's clumsy investigation of her
daddy's death. You immediately suspect that the bratty little kid played some
role in things,
especially since he was getting stabbed at the beginning of the film. First,
Rosy's friend,
who is some type of lab guy (I must have been in REM sleep when this was
established), figures
out that it was something her dad ate that killed him.
Rosy accuses the mistress of being the culprit, then her own mother, then
figures out that someone had tricked the little boy into grinding up light
bulbs and filling the ice cube trays with them and some water. Her father then
had some drinks with the tainted ice cubes and this somehow killed him. I like
to think that I would instantly recognize the fact that my drink had been laced
with crushed up light bulbs, but then again I'm used to the smooth taste of
Keystone Light. Rosy has a confrontation with the rest of her family and tells them that they
will have to live with what they've done and then she leaves and goes and
visits her dad's grave and laughs heartily about everything, finally leaving
the graveyard skipping merrily down the steps to the street below. Upon further
review this might be Worst Fulci Ever. The funniest part was that the family killed the guy because they were worried
that he would cut them out of his will. It turned out that he already had!
That just goes to show you that the perfect murder isn't just about coming up
with a really far-fetched scheme involving a crazy little boy who likes to
grind up light bulbs. Searching through documents for wills and deeds and
trusts may not be as glamorous as getting some glass in a guy's intestines, but
just as important! Stupid beyond words in every respect, you have to think that even Fulci
realized how lacking the story was (which he came up with) since he added in a
useless dream sequence where Giorgio's stepson gets attacked by zombies at his
crypt. Really Lucio, why resort to cheap nightmare gimmicks when you've got
crushed light bulbs and perforated intestines? Without question, this one will
leave you with blood in your stool.
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