Witchery (1988)
This film address the ages-old question "which is the most powerful force in the universe, the supernatural or the Hoff?" In one corner, you have the dark arts and all their reality-bending power to possess people, kill them, and general ability to string together unconnected scenes of bad special effects mayhem. In the other corner is David "the Hoff" Hasselhoff, lifeguard and talking-car pal.
If you think I'm about to reveal who wins out in this review, forget it! I think we can both agree that slapping $15 down for Shriek Show's DVD is a small price to pay for this priceless bit of insight into one of the eternal mysteries of existence. I will tell you though that in true Italian horror movie fashion, a Sesame Street brand tape recorder turns out to be more powerful than both of them combined!
Also in true Italian horror movie fashion, this isn't just a movie named Witchery. It's also the second film in an Italian horror movie series that has four (or five depending on how you count) sequels! Those of us watching, not just because we're fans of the Hoff, but because we admire director Fabrizio Laurenti's work on such films as the killer tree-root flick Contamination .7 will no doubt recognize this film as Ghosthouse II.
Of course, that means you may also recognize Demons III: The Ogre as Ghosthouse II as well. Hey, the Italians figure that if a movie is good enough to be drafted into service as an unrelated sequel in one series, why can't they do it with two? Umberto Lenzi was responsible for the original Ghosthouse as well as Ghosthouse 3 and Ghosthouse 4 (known as The House of Lost Souls and The House Of Witchcraft when they were part of that other Italian "House" series of films along with Lucio Fulci's The House Of Clocks and The Sweet House Of Horrors). There is also a Ghosthouse 5 from Claudio Fragasso, but I know as much about it as I do Lamberto Bava's Demons 5: The Devil's Veil.
But who needs to know anything about those two fivers, when this one supplements the usual Italian hijinks and the Hoff with a cast that I would have no trouble fielding in my fantasy baseball league devoted to Italian horror movies?
You've got a sweaty and pregnant Linda Blair, who while not strictly an Italian legend, has done enough trash after The Exorcist to at least make her an honorary member of the club.
You've got Catherine Hickland who also played Virgin in Robowar, but in this movie she plays a nympho architect! You also may know her as Mrs. Hoff in real life! That's right, she and the Hoff were married when this movie was made! Strangely enough they were not a couple in this movie. Even more strangely, they divorced soon after this movie was finished. Most strangest of all, the Hoff's girlfriend in this movie was Leslie Cumming who plays a big old virgin and whose only other credit was in another bogus-numbered Italian horror movie series entry, Zombie 5: Killing Birds! I won't sugarcoat it - I passed out several times trying to wrap my head around everything associated with this movie!
Like all great ideas, the movie's story is pretty simple: Eight idiots get themselves stranded at an abandoned island hotel that's haunted by an old hag witch. In the hands of someone who didn't direct Contamination .7 this could have been your standard stalk and slash affair where people are picked off one by one in the various deserted rooms of the hotel. To be fair, technically, that is what happens, but Fabrizio does it all with a certain zest for the offbeat.
First of all, you've got the Hoff and his virgin. For most of the movie, the Hoff looks to be most upset by his repeatedly rebuffed attempts to lay a cast member of the only zombie movie to feature Robert Vaughn. For her part the virgin owns every single scene she is in because of utter lack of command of the English language. At various times she sounds drunk, sleepy, like she has marbles in her mouth, is on a obscene cocktail of prescription drugs, like she's saying each word for the very first time in her entire life, and as if she's mentally retarded. That she insists on referring to the Hoff by his unconvincing movie name "Gary" only adds to the audience's delight.
The Hoff really comes alive in the second part of the film when he abandons his efforts to bust cherry and gets on with busting witches. Sometimes you just have to sacrifice for the greater good and no one knows this more than the Hoff. The Hoff is doing everything he can to push back the forces of darkness. He's dodging flying furniture and falling shutters, he's getting caught in sliding doors, he's using a flare gun AND a camera flash bulb to attract rescuers. He's even tying off a guy's gushing arm with a necktie tourniquet!
It's during this scene where the Hoff pulls out all his thespian chops. While trying to help this guy out, he notices his jugular vein is pulsating and the Hoff makes a face like the dude just crapped his pants. Both the Hoff and us knew what was coming next and just like clockwork the guy's vein bursts open spewing a geyser of red fluid right in the Hoff's face! Can imagine how glad the Hoff was when he found out Baywatch was going to be a regular TV series the next year?
But the valiant efforts of the Hoff, the virgin, and the sweaty, pregnant Linda Blair would be wasted if Fabrizio couldn't come through in the horror department. You needn't worry. Remember, this is the guy who had us watching folks get their eyes poked out by tree roots in Contamination .7! There's a good healthy catalog of heinousness in this film to keep pace with his all-star cast. You've got a mouth sewn shut, a person or two gets burned alive, there's a nice crucifixion, a fetus gets gnawed on, an impaling on a swordfish, some voodoo, people going out windows, stabbings, an old fashioned possession and even a ghost rape for good measure. You also not only get Linda Blair in a hilarious fright wig, but as a bonus, you get a stunt Linda Blair in an even funnier wig during a particularly physical scene!
The late Joe D'Amato is quoted on the back of the DVD as saying that this is the "best of the Ghosthouse series!" Who am I to argue with the man who directed almost 200 movies including Beyond The
Darkness and Erotic Nights of the Living Dead, as well as pitching in on Contamination .7 and Zombie 5: Killing Birds? Especially when he's right? This movie doesn't even let up with the last frame of film!
There's the classic shock ending you've seen in 500 other movies, but once again it's Fabrizio's execution that leaves you in convulsions of laughter, I mean terror. The combination of the way the final line is delivered with the freeze frame of the character's brain damaged expression is frankly worth twice the price the DVD cost. Let me put it this way: Francois Trauffaut's The 400 Blows was the very best use of the ending freeze frame. Until the release of Witchery. Please do yourself a favor and buy this movie. It is an essential in every collection. And you'll feel extra awesome knowing that the Hoff is getting a royalty check of like three cents because of your excellent taste.