As soon as King of Kings began, I felt my heart race and my left arm go numb when the narrator (Orson Welles) intoned that the year is 63 B.C. Maybe I don’t know a whole lot about this religious stuff, but I was smart enough to notice that we were starting things way before Jesus was ever immaculately conceived, let alone bugging Romans. I wondered just how much pre-game hype I was going to have to sit through. After all, I was paying to see a film about Christ and his times, not about how crappy everyone had it until he showed up. Read More

And on the sixth day, God created Trash! And it was good. Especially his hair! That’s right Trashers, Mark Gregory hits the big screen yet again, this time portraying the greatest role of all time, the very first man! Well, after his role as Trash in Bronx Warriors, his role as Johnny Hondo in War Bus Commando, and his role as Thunder in all three Thunder films! Still, playing Adam looks damn good on his resume, too. It certainly plays to his strength of standing around with a stupefied look on his face. After all, everything is new to Adam, so when he acts like a confused five year old when Eve announces she’s making a baby, it’s completely believable! Read More

Nine months after Richard Burton was harassed into becoming a Christian by a red beach towel in The Robe, Hollywood decided it was time to take Jesus’ favorite outfit out of mothballs for another go around and sicced Demetrius And The Gladiators on us. Since this whole Christian thing worked out so well for Burton and co-star Jean Simmons (you might recall they ended up on the wrong end of the archery field at the end of the last episode), it was left to Victor Mature to run around squawking about this robe and how it can just butt out of his life when things get rough. Read More

This one basically boils down to a story of a boy and his blankie. Now, it’s a very important blankie, but still a blankie nonetheless. In this case the guy is Richard Burton and he develops a fetish for the robe that Jesus wore up on the cross. I’m a fairly strong Christian around Easter time and such, but I wasn’t really familiar with this story from the Good Book. They might have had to leave it out of the Classics Illustrated Bible that I regularly consult when I don’t like what my horoscope says, so my ignorance is really not only understandable, but probably expected. Read More

Apparently Barabbas was a thief and murderer, but I never saw him do more than get wasted, try to hump women and burn Rome down. I guess he also killed a few guys, but that was olden times and people would run into your spear all the time. Read More