Does the fact that the there were at least four different moments during the completely expected “shock” ending that I didn’t understand mean that that movie was incompetent crud? Or am I in the presence of deranged movie genius when a drunked up bum asked our hero if he just shit his pants? Read More

It is said that no parent should ever have to bury their child. Such a death, especially when the child is quite young, is certainly the most heartbreaking experience any of us could ever imagine. Of course, it’s much easier to swallow if our dead kid comes back as a vengeful ghost who kills all sorts of crappy villagers we blame for her death! That’s the most awesome experience any of us could ever imagine! Read More

It’s another Lara Wendel masterpiece! Mercilessly stinking up the joint in such bottom feeding Italian horror movies such as Zombie 5: Killing Birds and The Red Monks, Lara now applies her special brand of standing around looking dumb and sounding even dumber (thanks to the obnoxiously dubbed voice with an accent as ugly as the wardrobe everyone subjects us to throughout), to this haunted house movie from noted Italian master Humphrey Humbert. Read More

Would it be a really lazy gimmick if I tried to be funny by appropriating the overbaked hipster slang the hot rodding kids used in this film and declared it to be “the ginchiest?” Sure, I’ve always been one to take my crate out and race for pink slips, but these hot chewers were the mostest! Lest, you think I’m exaggerating the lengths this movie went to get inside the head of modern (well, 1959 modern that is) kids who love to make poker runs in their tricked out muscle sleds, the movie finishes with these words on the screen: The Endest Man. Read More

I’ve had some ups and downs in my life that left me questioning whether it’s possible to achieve true happiness or find an everlasting love (or at least a rather lengthy like). Where do I turn to find the answers to these affairs of the heart? My family? Messed up worse than me. My priest? I’m looking for advice, not to get hit on. My dog? I already know how to lick myself. No, as any guy who’s ever done time in the Heartbreak Hotel can tell you, the sagest of all advice comes from the gruff, but lovable ghost of a sea captain! Read More

A blind girl gets a new set of peepers which allow her to see for the first time since she was a tot, but there’s a catch. Not only is she able to see the world around her for the first time in years, she also has acquired this brand new super power where she can see dead people! She can also sort of see the future. And the past. Well, someone else’s past anyway. Then there’s mysterious shadowy guy she sees that accompanies some of the dead people she sees. I felt like I could have used a brain transplant before understanding completely what was going on in this eye transplant movie. Read More

Generally speaking, a movie containing not one, but two scenes of urination would not receive a good review from this viewer. Some things are best left to the imagination. This film though somehow manages to make it work. Read More

Never one to shirk my duties of monitoring the various freakish movie subcultures, I have of late been monitoring one of the oddest, the Disney enthusiasts. Prowling around their online havens, I find that they are a strangely conflicted bunch, at once complaining about the direction of the company with its concentration on computer animation, straight to home video projects and the nonconformity of all their various DVD release packaging (remember – these people are obsessive collectors, so it does make a difference if something is packaged as a Gold Edition, Platinum Edition, or Masterpiece Edition), but viciously slapping down anyone who would dare to suggest that Disney is just some money-hungry company like any other corporation that has stockholders to answer to. Read More

Okay, I’ll admit it – I like Christmas movies. Or I guess I should say that I like the idea of Christmas movies. It seems like that a lot of times when I watch a movie that features Christmas prominently, it never fails to disappoint, substituting cheap platitudes and artificial sentiment for an interesting story or genuine feeling. Read More

Back in olden times when dinosaurs still walked the Earth and everyone wanted a Teddy Ruxpin for Christmas, Noel Coward was supposedly this giant star. Author, singer, fancy lad – he did it all and did it in what us open-minded folk would call “British style.” What that means is that he was the sort of chap to smoke his cigarettes in those long holders that I thought were reserved for Eurobabes like Marlene Dietrich and vapid posers like Madonna. Read More