On the surface, this movie delivers exactly what it promises. There’s a bunch of snakes and they kill people. I don’t imagine that a movie called The Killer Snakes owes me a lot more than that, but did it have to be so horribly scuzzy? Read More

Kung fu movies are a little slice of heaven. Once you’ve seen some dude with bad hair in silk pajamas standing around playing patty cake with another dude in silk pajamas with equally bad, but somehow different hair, you’re pretty much spoiled for any other genre of cinema. Is there any other kind of movie that would get you so involved that you would try some drunken mantis kung fu on your bewildered dog during the talky parts? Read More

A blind girl gets a new set of peepers which allow her to see for the first time since she was a tot, but there’s a catch. Not only is she able to see the world around her for the first time in years, she also has acquired this brand new super power where she can see dead people! She can also sort of see the future. And the past. Well, someone else’s past anyway. Then there’s mysterious shadowy guy she sees that accompanies some of the dead people she sees. I felt like I could have used a brain transplant before understanding completely what was going on in this eye transplant movie. Read More

Anthony Wong stars in this movie that is what Dustin Hoffman’s movie Outbreak should have been: a story about a raping and murdering dude that infects a bunch of people with Ebola by tricking them into eating hamburgers made out of human meat. It really isn’t as funny as it probably sounds which is a bit surprising what with all the rapes, murders, cannibalism, and the on-camera slaughter of frogs and chickens. Read More

You know, I can never get enough of these movies about deranged Hong Kong taxi cab drivers banging corpses. There’s just something life affirming about knowing that our country is not the only cesspool capable of producing these animals. Besides, with China’s birth control policy, the population over there has become unbalanced, leaving lots of deranged taxi cab drivers whose best bet for a date is the streetwalker-fare they just strangled to death in the back seat of the cab. “Mother is the invention of opportunity” is probably how the rudimentary English subtitles would no doubt put it. Read More

Six people are on a camping trip on a deserted island (except for the chainsaw wielding maniac, his equally psycho wife and their retarded son, and three or four condom salesmen). The three guys are named Professor (he carries around a video camera), Soldier (he carries around a big knife), and Ken (all Asian movies are required to feature a character with some form of the name Ken – usually Kenny). The three girls are named Linda (Professor’s girlfriend), BeBe (Soldier’s girlfriend) and Winnie (Ken’s girlfriend). Now that you know the main characters, we can set about killing them off. But first Soldier takes everyone’s cell phones and hides them for some murky and ultimately stupid reason, thus assuring the killer free reign until the boat home arrives in the morning. Read More

If you’ve seen George Romero’s zombie movies too many times, are tired of the wan imitations from Italy, and befuddled by the recent Japanese wave of undead films that stress low budget style over storytelling, then it may be time for you to look into a cheap Chinese import. Bio Zombie is a movie out of Hong Kong that puts a frenetic, comedic spin on the zombie genre and is surprisingly entertaining once the zombies finally start rampaging in the second half of the movie. Read More

The place is China, a billion years ago when the Tartars had invaded and subjugated the people, ruling over them with an iron fist. Unable to defend themselves, they look wistfully to the temples of Shaolin where the monks know the ancient art of kung fu. If only they would teach the common people their ways (but not make them shave their heads), they could rise up against their oppressors, kick them out, and make China once again safe for freedom to take hold in the form of Communism. But the teaching of kung fu is forbidden to outsiders. The monks only desire to hang out at their temple, keeping it clean in between workouts! Read More