MonsterHunter

A blind girl gets a new set of peepers which allow her to see for the first time since she was a tot, but there’s a catch. Not only is she able to see the world around her for the first time in years, she also has acquired this brand new super power where she can see dead people! She can also sort of see the future. And the past. Well, someone else’s past anyway. Then there’s mysterious shadowy guy she sees that accompanies some of the dead people she sees. I felt like I could have used a brain transplant before understanding completely what was going on in this eye transplant movie. Read More »

Anthony Wong stars in this movie that is what Dustin Hoffman’s movie Outbreak should have been: a story about a raping and murdering dude that infects a bunch of people with Ebola by tricking them into eating hamburgers made out of human meat. It really isn’t as funny as it probably sounds which is a bit surprising what with all the rapes, murders, cannibalism, and the on-camera slaughter of frogs and chickens. Read More »

You know, I can never get enough of these movies about deranged Hong Kong taxi cab drivers banging corpses. There’s just something life affirming about knowing that our country is not the only cesspool capable of producing these animals. Besides, with China’s birth control policy, the population over there has become unbalanced, leaving lots of deranged taxi cab drivers whose best bet for a date is the streetwalker-fare they just strangled to death in the back seat of the cab. “Mother is the invention of opportunity” is probably how the rudimentary English subtitles would no doubt put it. Read More »

Six people are on a camping trip on a deserted island (except for the chainsaw wielding maniac, his equally psycho wife and their retarded son, and three or four condom salesmen). The three guys are named Professor (he carries around a video camera), Soldier (he carries around a big knife), and Ken (all Asian movies are required to feature a character with some form of the name Ken - usually Kenny). The three girls are named Linda (Professor’s girlfriend), BeBe (Soldier’s girlfriend) and Winnie (Ken’s girlfriend). Now that you know the main characters, we can set about killing them off. But first Soldier takes everyone’s cell phones and hides them for some murky and ultimately stupid reason, thus assuring the killer free reign until the boat home arrives in the morning. Read More »

If you’ve seen George Romero’s zombie movies too many times, are tired of the wan imitations from Italy, and befuddled by the recent Japanese wave of undead films that stress low budget style over storytelling, then it may be time for you to look into a cheap Chinese import. Bio Zombie is a movie out of Hong Kong that puts a frenetic, comedic spin on the zombie genre and is surprisingly entertaining once the zombies finally start rampaging in the second half of the movie. Read More »

The mark of a successful movie is how it affects you on a personal level. Did you pick up any new catchphrases? Were your beliefs challenged or even altered? Was there a moment in the film that set you on a different course in your life? I’ve seen lots of movies like this. Top Gun made me want to join the Navy, fly planes, and date Kelly McGillis. Hoosiers made me think that maybe short, slow farm kids from the schools who never had a chance could compete with all those big city high school basketball teams with shiny shorts. And those Naked Gun movies convinced me of O.J.’s innocence (come on, could Nordberg harm a fly, let alone lop the heads off of a couple of folks?). But it was The 36th Chamber Of Shaolin that caused me to chuck my old life and run away to join a Shaolin temple in an effort to work my way up from the first chamber up to number 35. After this movie kicked my ass so bad that I had to write this standing up, I was fully prepared to devote the entire weekend to training my mind and body in the ways of these ancient monks. Read More »