Before this movie started I didn’t even know what continent Damascus was on! If that’s the sort of detail that really matters to you when you’re watching a movie, Goliath at the Conquest of Damascus begins with a map with labels and narrator to walk you through it. For me though, by the time the guy was babbling on about the fourth different set of tribes fighting over some sandy armpit the civilized world quit caring about thousands of years ago, I just gave up trying to sort out what some guy named Thor was doing in the middle of it all. Unleash the glistening guns of whatever gargantuan grapple god this movie stars already! Read More

Giant of the Evil Island promises us so much. Like a giant. And an evil island. And director Piero Pierotti (Hercules Against Rome) delivers exactly all of it! Now you may need to be a bit flexible on your definition of what a giant is since the pirate Malek appears to be of normal size, though admittedly stocky enough that a little kid might think he was giant. But there’s no doubting the presence of an evil island since Piero has the good sense to actually name Malek’s island hideout as Evil Island! Read More

Massacre revolves around a bunch of murders happening during the shooting of a horror film called Dirty Blood. Dirty Blood looks like your typical Andrea Bianchi film, what with its murky visuals and murkier story line, but the bits and pieces of it we get to see being filmed make it apparent that it would probably be more entertaining than the real Andrea Bianchi movie we are actually sitting through! Read More

Mission Stardust is an out of this world space race of bad plotting, deliriously inept special effects, and characters who seem intent on proving to one another which one of them is the stupidest. That interstellar stud Perry Rhodan ended up getting a nice dose of space booty at the end of the film while evil kingpin Arkin found himself chucked out an airlock merely proves that in life, it’s only results that matter. Read More

Thousands of years ago in ancient Egypt a god was worshipped more horrible than any other! His name was something like Hammybooboo and as the centuries passed, the memory of such a terrifying being was all but forgotten! In fact, an expert Egyptologist advises star Christopher Connelly that only two things are still known about Hammy. One was that he was really cruel. And the other? Utter evil! Read More

Does the fact that the there were at least four different moments during the completely expected “shock” ending that I didn’t understand mean that that movie was incompetent crud? Or am I in the presence of deranged movie genius when a drunked up bum asked our hero if he just shit his pants? Read More

Mario Siciliano was a pretty minor player as far as Italian scuzz cinema goes with credits on a few spaghetti westerns, a bunch of sex comedies, and Evil Eye. Mario proves though that it isn’t how much you do, but what you do with what you have. Some folks like Lamberto Bava or Bruno Mattei may be willing to share their gifts with us three or four times a year. Others, like Mario, may simply explode one day on the scene and burn brightly for a single film or two before returning to the relative obscurity whence they came. Read More

Scientist Robert Morgan (Vincent Price) is puttering about his house doing what most of us violent, superstitious nerd bachelors would do in our downtime after the end of the world: sharpen wooden stakes, load the door up with fresh garlic, and play with his shortwave radio. Remember when you thought Armageddon would be super awesome? Sheesh. What a let down! Read More

Legendary Italian exploitation film director Bruno Mattei apparently decided that in a career as long and as aimlessly varied as his, it just wouldn’t be complete without one of these jungle barf bag flicks under his belt. And in true Bruno style, when he tackles a project, he does it with as much gusto as the three or four days of shooting will allow a 72 year old man. And also in true Bruno style, he realizes that whatever is worth doing poorly once is worth doing even worse twice and so he also shot Cannibal World in 2003, too! Read More

Frankenstein fanboys need to know right from the start that Lady Frankenstein doesn’t ever operate on a monster in this flick. Sure she gets involved in some brain transplant scheme, but that’s just a swap with her old, crippled up loser husband and the retarded, yet hunky handy man. What Lady Frankenstein is more interested in is being a cut-rate update of the Frankenstein story that gives a nod to women’s lib supplemented with a meager dollop of gore and skin, but really is only memorable because of how goofy-looking the monster is. Read More