MonsterHunter

The movies culled from re-editing multi-part episodes of the old Disneyland TV series are a mixed bag. Some of them like Dr. Syn, Alias The Scarecrow stand with any of Walt’s theatrical projects in terms of story, production values, and execution. Others, such as The Mystery In Dracula’s Castle suffer from weak scripts and a decidedly workmanlike effort both in front of and behind the camera. Escapade In Florence falls somewhere in between these two extremes as its hampered by a lousy script, but is made bearable by the location shooting in Florence, Italy and the winning performances of stars Tommy Kirk and Annette Funicello. Read More »

I think Opie (Ron Howard) missed an important life lesson from his experiences with his magic dog named Smoke. I know Smoke was magic because every time he finished eating, he would stick his paw out for some dummy to shake. Most dogs would have gone back to eating your mom’s crusty panties after dinner, but not the super duper Smoke! Of course, he wasn’t exactly magical when he was getting his ass whipped by a couple of coyotes, but I mean Smoke was only twice their size, so what chance did he really have? But back to that bit of wisdom that Opie conveniently overlooked while he was becoming a “man” by saying hateful things to his mom and running away from home. What Smoke showed Opie, but Opie was too busy pouting to see, was how you shouldn’t trust anybody and that when you are literally a red-headed step-child like Opie was in this movie, you’re best friend will ditch you as soon as he has the chance. Read More »

I thought I was watching a douche commercial when this movie began. With its shot of two people on a beach and its cloying “These Are The Best Times” song playing in the background, I assumed that a regular dosing of Superdad was going to refresh my most secret of places. Sadly though, I was left with that not so fresh feeling and even more incredibly, by the time Superdad complains to his daughter at her wedding that he smells, I was wishing that this was a douche commercial! Read More »

I’ve never really gotten too hyper about the fact that we’re paving over the Everglades down in Florida or Timbuktu or wherever. About once every six to eight weeks, the news will interrupt their coverage about what a crappy country America is to do one of those pinko stories about how the environment is threatened by strip malls and amusement parks and I’m thinking that we’ve got enough skeeters and weeds and that we could use another TCBY and check cashing place. Besides, if Disney or Universal want to add another roller coaster or log ride to make some kid happier, who are we to tell them they can’t? Isn’t this country for the young? Don’t we care about their future? Do we really want them to grow up in a country without the fastest, tallest, and bitchingest thrill rides? Read More »

Six people are on a camping trip on a deserted island (except for the chainsaw wielding maniac, his equally psycho wife and their retarded son, and three or four condom salesmen). The three guys are named Professor (he carries around a video camera), Soldier (he carries around a big knife), and Ken (all Asian movies are required to feature a character with some form of the name Ken - usually Kenny). The three girls are named Linda (Professor’s girlfriend), BeBe (Soldier’s girlfriend) and Winnie (Ken’s girlfriend). Now that you know the main characters, we can set about killing them off. But first Soldier takes everyone’s cell phones and hides them for some murky and ultimately stupid reason, thus assuring the killer free reign until the boat home arrives in the morning. Read More »

Oh, to have a dad as cool as Arch Hall, Jr! When I saw that Arch Hall, Sr. had done something like produce and write this cautionary/drive-in exploitation tale about punks that chop up cars, I knew that every kid’s dream at one time must have been to be Arch Hall, Jr. (Except for that name and the greasy hairdo.) Read More »

I’ll admit it - I went and took a dump while Frankie Avalon was singing “These Are The Good Times” at the Pavilion run by old Big Drop (Don Rickles), but I can’t blame my sudden need to evacuate three days worth of cereal and tuna solely on Frankie. I suspect that just as much of the credit can been given to the several prior musical numbers in this movie, some more stool-loosening than others. (The songs performed by biker gang member Eric Von Zipper come immediately to mind.) Read More »