 |
 John Barrymore plays a "nutty professor" who
figures out how to make people invisible. Virginia Bruce is a model who
decides to be Barrymore's first subject. Meanwhile a group of gangsters
decide to steal the invisibility machine because it "could become a highly
profitable business." The invisible Virginia Bruce "starts prowling around for
romance, and her big chance to even the score with a former employer that did
her wrong." 1940, 73 minutes, VHS
Apparently, former movie star (and by this time he was a former movie star)
John Barrymore had trouble remembering his lines and wrote them down everywhere
on the set that had a flat surface out of camera range. It's spectacles like
this that make me wish they had those payday loan or car title loan places back
then. You know the places I'm talking about. They're situated in cheap strip
malls and near trailer parks and they help get you your Camels and PBR when
you're a little short on bread because The Man has garnished all your wages to
pay for that kid your ex-girlfriend says is yours, but you know it ain't and
besides she just spends all the child support on meth anyway. They charge
about 700% interest annually, but hey, they'll give you a sawbuck in a pinch,
which is more than your worthless half-brother would ever do. Anyway, I'm
thinking that if John B. had access to a place like this, then we wouldn't have
to be subjected to his "performance" in this film and that way his embarrassment
at being a broken down old film star would've have been relegated to just him
and the fat pimply guy behind the counter at the payday loan place. But alas,
once an actor, always an actor (at least until you can't get any parts). John isn't really the only problem or even the biggest problem this
movie has, but it's the one you shake your head over in pity. This is only the
second sequel to The Invisible Man , but man are things moldering in a hurry. It's a sequel in the sense that the
word "invisible" is in the title and the fact that Universal made it, but other
than that, it has nothing to do with the two previous outings.  You can tell that you in for something completely different as soon as the
movie begins. We're in a fancy house with a butler (that's how I knew it was
fancy) and there's this circus music kind of playing in the background. You
know the kind. It's the stuff they play when they're showing highlights of a
baseball bouncing off Jose Canseco's head or any play involving Jose Offerman.
Then for some reason the butler falls down the stairs. Then we go to the next
scene. The butler will fall down approximately six more times in the movie.
More often than not it has nothing whatsoever to do with the plot. I winced a
little when I saw the first five minutes of this thing unwind, then hurriedly
checked the back of the box to confirm that this movie was indeed only 73
minutes long. I was not anticipating any chills and/or thrills from this one
and I was not to be disappointed. Initially we establish that the romantic
lead is some rich playboy named Dick (subtle!) and that because of all his
dalliances with the ladies he is a bit on the broke side. This comes as
unwelcome news to whacky pseudoscientist Professor Gibbs (Barrymore) who is
dependent on Dick for funding of his super-duper invisibility machine. He's
ready to test it, but now that his funding has been cut, he can't offer any
money to potential human subjects. He puts an ad in the paper looking for
dopes willing to be experimented on for free. Dress model Kitty Carroll is one of those employees that you know drive bosses
nuts. She's always showing up two minutes late, then squawks when she's docked
an hour's pay, she smarts off to the customers after they tear a dress she was
modelling and she stirs up the other girls regarding the working conditions.
She has this boss who's one of these jokers with a hook nose and very snooty
disposition and you just know that as soon as Kitty gets invisible she's coming
back to get some revenge on this dude. I'm assuming that that's because she's
not a strong enough person to stand up to him face to face and she has to
resort to trickery and cutting edge science before she gets the guts to tell
this guy that he's not getting over on her. Maybe she could see Professor
Gibbs about a spine transplant or something. Anyway she's reading the want ads
(Positions Available - Subjects For Crackpot Experiment) when she happens
across Prof. Gibbs' ad. Hey, she thinks, this is just what I'm looking for.
It promises something that is completely impossible (invisibility) and the pay
is right (free). Good work if you can get it. She heads over to the
professor's lab which is located next door to Dick's mansion and he is
surprised that it's a woman. This leads to lots of funny hijinks about her
having to take her clothes off and the fact that the maid is frequently
outraged by the Gibbs and his shenanigans. Margaret Hamilton is the battle ax
playing the maid and you may remember her ugly mug from The Wizard of Oz where
she was the Wicked Witch of Someplace or Other. She was either the one that
had that trailer dumped on her or the one that ate that dog, Benji or
something. Anyway she's always sassing and making faces (just like Dick's
butler) and it makes me wonder why these rich people in the movies always hire
help that back talks them all the time. If they did that to me, I would fire
their ass and hire someone who didn't know any English or anything about social
security taxes.  The professor gets her turned invisible, then tells Dick to get over there to
check out his big breakthrough. In the meantime, Kitty decides she's going to
skip out and head back on over to her old place of work for a little revenge
and workplace violence. She torments her old boss, making him stick his head
out the window, then repeatedly kicking him in the arse while the audience kind
of sighs, having been resigned to this completely predictable turn of events
about 25 minutes ago. Then she damages some property like that infernal time
clock and then she leaves. Over at the InvisoLab, Dick hasn't seen any
invisible woman and leaves for his fishing lodge (I think. I quit really
paying attention to this movie around this time and began to concentrate on the
antics of a pill bug that was crawling across the floor in my trailer's living
room.) The professor and his invisible woman go after him. The writers
obviously knew that this movie was going nowhere at this point, so they
introduce some gangsters into the picture. It seems that these guys work for
Blackie Cole who is hiding out down in Mexico and thinks the invisibility gag
would be just the ticket to get him back in the U.S. because he is mighty
homesick. The gangsters intimidate the newspaper guy into telling him where
the professor lives so they head over there to steal the machine. I must warn
all prospective viewers that one of the gangsters is played by the legendary
Shemp Howard. If you had any doubt that this movie would be one failed joke
and/or pratfall after another, the fact that everyone's least favorite Stooge
(well, there may be some votes for Joe Besser) is in this should put that
question to rest. I groaned when I realized what was up and immediately tried
to relocate my pill bug to see if it was doing anything cute like walking or
rolling up into a ball. Such a long 73 minutes.  I think it goes without saying that the Invisible Woman and the playboy named
Dick begin to fall in love after a healthy amount of bickering (one night's
worth) and I think you'll agree when I tell you that the gangsters hold true to
form and kidnap the professor and the Invisible Woman, thus necessitating a big
rescue scene at the end. I should note that at least the movie gives the
Invisible Woman enough credit that she singlehandedly takes out all the bad
guys, then kind of makes it seem like she still needs help so that the playboy
can "rescue" her. That was a nice touch in an otherwise lackluster affair.
Also, the Invisible Women turns back invisible whenever she drinks alcohol or
something making her kind of a distant cousin to Jackie Chan in hisThe Legend of the Drunken Master, which was a far, far better movie. Everyone gets rescued and the movie ends
just like I Married A Wtich by showing them several years later with kids and their baby turns invisible
when they put rubbing alcohol on it. Ughh! This movie was determined to
remind you how idiotic it was until the last frame. A really pathetic showing
by Universal and all involved. The story was completely forced and never made
much sense. The gangsters were only there to add some drama to an otherwise
dramaless tale. Kitty Carroll never seemed to really have a care in the world
about her invisibility other than the fact that she was sometimes cold since
she had to be buck naked to get all invisible. Whatever you want to say about
the The Invisible Man Returns , at least he said he was worried about going crazy. Universal released this
junk the same year as the first sequel and after watching this one you wonder
how they managed to crank out two more sequels and an Abbott and Costello
version. This movie wanted to be one of those light romantic comedies with a
dash of the supernatural thrown in, but the romance is treated in an off-handed
and throw-away
manner, the comedy is as tired and lame as you would expect and the performers
never convince the viewer of anything except that it's a good thing there's no
such animal as The Invisible Man Returns . Just skip on over to Invisible Agent and pretend like you never saw The Invisible Woman.
Reviews © 2004
MonsterHunter
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